The Sixty-Fourth: Give Me A Second

I just had a brief read through some of my older posts, and I came across a small point of thought.

I really, really need to just slow down and breathe out every now and then. I get caught up in way too much.

If I do this a little more, I think I may just find some of the answers that I am so keen to reach.

The Sixty-Third: Intent

I can't really believe that this is my first post in the "new year". It's not really a "new year" anymore though, it's June. How the hell is it June? I know people say "time flies" but time really has just completely escaped me. I've now been living out of home for almost 6 months; that kind of baffles me.

Things are pretty good over here. I seem to have fallen into a routine of working, cleaning, eating, sleeping, rinse and repeat. I barely go out. Considering my shifts at work start between the hours of 6-9am 4 or 5 mornings a week, on my days off, I sleep and lounge around. I don't get two days off in a row too often, so that further impedes my motivation and imagination. I just don't have the energy. Is this how everybody lives these days, or is just me? I have a lot of friends at work who are always asking me and Kate to "come out and drink tonight", but that poses three problems.

1) I don't have much money to spare with bills and groceries and blah blah blah

and

2) I most likely have work the following morning.

Then there's a really stupid issue.

3) My body clock is now set almost permanently on early morning wake ups, so if I do try to go out, I'm dead on my feet by 2am anyway.

It's an annoying cycle of frustration really.

I'm really fed up with a lot of things right now. There has been a few times lately at work where I've arrived and worked for only a few hours before being knocked off. Just today, I was at work for 4.5 hours (and had already had a break) before being sent home. Plus I was sent home first, when I wasn't the first one in. Where's the logic in that? The upside of anger is that I get paid rather well, and the flexibility is really quite awesome. Oh the joys of being a casual.

That little niggling feeling at the back of my mind of "should you be doing something else right now?" has been coming and going for a little while now though. This, on top of reading and hearing about my friends' travel plans for the next few years is just adding to my mental tug-o-war. All my money goes back into daily living and other expenses, so I've barely saved a single dollar to go towards something bigger and better.

I'm not going to lie; I've thought about going over to the states more than once in the past half of the year. There's factors keeping here in Oz, but that's a silly excuse. Anything can be worked out and arranged to suit, so what is really holding me back? I've delved into my brain to try and find the fucking answer but I get to a certain point where I think I'm deliberately not letting myself know what I really think. That is so Inception-y of me, but it's true.

If I were just to blurt it out, I'd say I'm scared and lazy.

In it's raw form, that's probably exactly what it is. A mixture of me using everything that's happened to me as an excuse to not do anything, and thinking that I might just fail, so I'm giving up before I start.

Wow, that's really it. In reality, this minor realisation probably won't startle me into doing much. I feel like I should force myself to write again, and by force I mean daily writing. REALLY try to write, not just say "I should write again". Writing is hard, and takes practice. What the fuck am I doing then, not writing, wasting my days?

I definitely needed to get onto this blog and release a little bit of thought. Glad that's done.

Oh and I need to lose weight. Go figure.

No, really, I'm cheering my figure on.