The Seventy-Second: Pointless

I just got home from a 21st where I was dressed as a giant slice of Hawaiian pizza. I feel rather...well, I actually don't know the word I'm looking for. It was liberating? I guess that's about right. It was really fun to just be able to have this massive hilarious costume on and not worry about how "pretty" I looked. A lot of other girls had their hair done and cute little costumes, whereas I barged through in beige material, rocking my top-knot. It was a super fun night.

This seems to be a very journal-esque entry to my blog. Not sure where I'm going with it, but sometimes that's half the fun.

I quit my job the other day, thank god. It was almost comical how insensitive management was being towards me. I don't need to put up with that, so I'm not. Hopefully a window will open up soon for me. Maybe it's a "blessing in disguise" (I just didn't realise it would be disguised as a dickhead manager who would eventually force me to quit.)

Le sigh.

I'm itching to get away again. I cannot wait for New Zealand next year. Going to be freakin' epic.

The Seventy-First: Fitting

My 21st birthday lasts for another 30 minutes, so I thought I should write a post to accompany this momentous occasion.

My party last night showed just how amazing my friends truly are. It's such a cliché to say you have the best friends in the world but seriously, I do. I've been overwhelmed with generosity and humbled by the words that they said and wrote about me. I guess I didn't realise how much I meant to some people. I suddenly feel like I should be doing more with myself; living up to the image that they painted of me. Emma spoke of how she "idolised" me in earlier years. That alone is just out of this world. She's been the most supportive, beautiful, courageous creature who will forever be a strong constant in my life, and to think that she has thought of me that highly for that long is astounding. Joel and Matt both spoke of such amazing things as well. It's nice to hear how much love they both have for me. I know I am completely in love with them both. I'm completely in love with Emma too.

The gifts I received, both material and monetary, are somewhat mindblowing as well. I mentioned the generosity of my friends? Well, with what I have now, I plan on having a very full month of shopping, decorating and spoiling [myself rotten]. It's all very exciting, and something I've waited the entire year to do.

I need to say now that I feel really good. I feel like I may gain direction soon, which has been a long time coming. Inspiration is one thing, but direction is another, and one can often go by the wayside if the other isn't right there with it. Hopefully my time will come soon, where both of those paths cross.

If you were here, I know you'd wish me a happy birthday. You'd also know what to tell me. You'd know which direction to point me in. And you'd do it with a grin.

The Seventieth: Wrapping Thoughts

The Sixty-Ninth: Warm Breeze

Tonight is my last night in Perth for a while. I'll be back a fair bit in the latter half of the year, but still, it's hard to leave so much behind again. There's the weather, the people, the familiarity, the comfort, the ease of living etc. But there's also everything that I left here for in the first place. I have worn out Perth for all it can do for me right now. I will come back in a while though, for some things, for some reasons.

It feels like going back to Melbourne is finally like going home, where my job and belongings are. In saying that, I want a different job. I'm not enjoying where I'm at right now, so I'm going to change it. Why waste my time in unhappy circumstances when I could be spending it happily elsewhere?

Choices have arisen amongst the people closest to me, and they have to make their own decisions. I can safely say that this is the factor causing my own change of heart in a number of things. If their decisions eventuate to moving states, who knows, I may follow for fun. But I may also make a big move myself. I have to live my own life.

Change is good, for me right now anyway. Hopefully I'll be able to write again soon and follow up my optimism with more of the same.

The Sixty-Eighth: Blink

Life can change in an instant. I mean, some changes are drawn out over long periods of time, but others just...happen in seconds. How do we learn to cope with those changes? Those ones that we can't possibly predict? Perhaps those are better. The unsuspecting surprises that render us all numb and useless. Perhaps not having the time to overthink and attempt to control the situation is a blessing.

Maybe.

The Sixty-Seventh: Summer Haze

Tonight, I went to a 21st in the dress that makes me look like the stunning singer Adele. So it got me thinking about some of her lyrics. They're very powerful and I know that both albums are written after break-ups, but some things still hit home.

The lyrics "never mind, I'll find someone like you" are incredible. The fact that after saying everything in that song, she then says "never mind" is just wow. Maybe it's just a headspace thing but the idea of putting on a brave face in the middle of the hardest thing you've ever had to do is definitely applicable to a lot of people.

I think I'll always be putting on brave faces. Most of the people I know don't even have the slightest clue of the hardships and personal issues I've got. Isn't that the case with everyone?

Guess I'm going back to the emotional dredges of before.

Oh and before I forget, even though you'll never read this, Bronte, I'm sorry I was like I was. I hope you'll forgive me.

The Sixty-Sixth: The Way We Get By

This little thing, right here, hiding under the avocado tree, is part of what makes everything worth it.

The Sixty-Fifth: Get Down

I'm back in Perth, for a limited time only, and adoring it. The weather has finally showed itself to be happy, and seeing most of my friends for the first time in 6 months is wonderful. To make things better, I'm going on a little road trip down south with a few close friends.

This isn't a post about heavy emotions, nor is it a whingey, self-absorbed, obsessive entry.

I am merely saying that at this point, right now, I am content.

And its lovely.

The Sixty-Fourth: Give Me A Second

I just had a brief read through some of my older posts, and I came across a small point of thought.

I really, really need to just slow down and breathe out every now and then. I get caught up in way too much.

If I do this a little more, I think I may just find some of the answers that I am so keen to reach.

The Sixty-Third: Intent

I can't really believe that this is my first post in the "new year". It's not really a "new year" anymore though, it's June. How the hell is it June? I know people say "time flies" but time really has just completely escaped me. I've now been living out of home for almost 6 months; that kind of baffles me.

Things are pretty good over here. I seem to have fallen into a routine of working, cleaning, eating, sleeping, rinse and repeat. I barely go out. Considering my shifts at work start between the hours of 6-9am 4 or 5 mornings a week, on my days off, I sleep and lounge around. I don't get two days off in a row too often, so that further impedes my motivation and imagination. I just don't have the energy. Is this how everybody lives these days, or is just me? I have a lot of friends at work who are always asking me and Kate to "come out and drink tonight", but that poses three problems.

1) I don't have much money to spare with bills and groceries and blah blah blah

and

2) I most likely have work the following morning.

Then there's a really stupid issue.

3) My body clock is now set almost permanently on early morning wake ups, so if I do try to go out, I'm dead on my feet by 2am anyway.

It's an annoying cycle of frustration really.

I'm really fed up with a lot of things right now. There has been a few times lately at work where I've arrived and worked for only a few hours before being knocked off. Just today, I was at work for 4.5 hours (and had already had a break) before being sent home. Plus I was sent home first, when I wasn't the first one in. Where's the logic in that? The upside of anger is that I get paid rather well, and the flexibility is really quite awesome. Oh the joys of being a casual.

That little niggling feeling at the back of my mind of "should you be doing something else right now?" has been coming and going for a little while now though. This, on top of reading and hearing about my friends' travel plans for the next few years is just adding to my mental tug-o-war. All my money goes back into daily living and other expenses, so I've barely saved a single dollar to go towards something bigger and better.

I'm not going to lie; I've thought about going over to the states more than once in the past half of the year. There's factors keeping here in Oz, but that's a silly excuse. Anything can be worked out and arranged to suit, so what is really holding me back? I've delved into my brain to try and find the fucking answer but I get to a certain point where I think I'm deliberately not letting myself know what I really think. That is so Inception-y of me, but it's true.

If I were just to blurt it out, I'd say I'm scared and lazy.

In it's raw form, that's probably exactly what it is. A mixture of me using everything that's happened to me as an excuse to not do anything, and thinking that I might just fail, so I'm giving up before I start.

Wow, that's really it. In reality, this minor realisation probably won't startle me into doing much. I feel like I should force myself to write again, and by force I mean daily writing. REALLY try to write, not just say "I should write again". Writing is hard, and takes practice. What the fuck am I doing then, not writing, wasting my days?

I definitely needed to get onto this blog and release a little bit of thought. Glad that's done.

Oh and I need to lose weight. Go figure.

No, really, I'm cheering my figure on.