Disheartening appears to be my word of the week. It's really not one I'd like to have, but it simply happened beyond my control. That's a lie, I let it happen.
I don't like not knowing what I'm doing.
Right now, I don't know what I'm doing.
I sleep for 10 hours at a time, yet still feel tired upon waking and feel dreary throughout the daylight hours. I want to do something productive, yet I'll just watch a film or go on Twitter. Or play Super Mario Galaxy 2. I feel the need to exercise and get fit, but I've got a knee reconstruction in 3 days' time. Hardly the opportune moment for me to spring into action with a fitness plan. I think that I'm letting a friend down constantly, yet she tells me that everything is fine. So why do I still feel inadequate? Inadequate to the point where I feel that said friend needs more than what I am.
Questions seem to be what ends up fuelling me everyday. The need to know why I'm perpetuating my mundane lifestyle. Hopefully in December I'll move to Melbourne and forget half the woes that have leeched onto me in the past few months. Or maybe not just forget the woes, I'll actually resolve them.
I haven't worked since January, and I only attended one uni class this year before realising it wasn't what I wanted to do in 2010. Mind you, I thought something brilliant was supposed to happen for me. Pity that fell through. Surprised though? No. It's just life. Just to list what a few of my close friends are achieving right now though: job interviews, finishing degrees, student fashion runways, national comedy gigs, record signings, internship interviews, drama performances...there is an array of talent there. Currently, I still have little to nothing to hold to my name. I wish I could whinge with a purpose, but I suppose if I wanted to do something, I would've done it by now, or at least started on it.
Fucking circumstances.
I had this amusing thought before.
That in many, many years' time, I might be famous for some form of talent in film, and someone will discover this blog, and search back through hundreds of pages and read these posts from when I was 19. I have a lot to hide, but the words I type are for anyone's eyes I suppose. I hope that someone might be able to relate or even understand, sympathise.
My train of thought has been everywhere now. The time has passed to 2.15am and my throat is getting a little dry.
Slumber.
each day is a a new day. take it as a new opportunity. at the risk of sounding like a church pastor, or a softly spoken tree hugging counsellor- what happened yesterday happened yesterday. today you can do whatever you want, today you can be who ever you want. i know what you mean about not wanting to start things because other things will come along and 'ruin it'. but you know what, thats how life works. in your ideal world perhaps you think you'd like to have control over everything and for it all to go the way you planned- the way you think will help you, or make you feel happy- but isn't it the things we dont see coming that make life really exciting? isn't it the unexpected events that make us who we are. if life was carried out in a planned, controlled way we would never grow. we'd just be the same old person, and thats not fun. ash, you're a great person. a GREAT person. you have the natural charisma and the ability to make everyone not only feel involved, but important. very few people i have ever met in my life possess such an unforced quality. although its easy to sometimes measure our success via material acheivements, its really the people around us that matter, its what the people you chose to surround yourself with think of you that matters. we all have our shit days where we think we're in a rut and going nowhere. but thats what the people around you are for; we are here to remind you how great you are. and fuck it, we are young, we're supposed to have done nothing. yet. you'll be okay. you're fucking ASH BELL!
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