The Forty-Fourth: Indolence

indolence

noun

his musical gifts dissolved in the indolence of his nature LAZINESS.

idleness, slothfulness, sloth, shiftlessness, inactivity, inaction,

inertia, sluggishness, lifelessness, lethargy, languor, languidness,

torpor, torpidity; rare otiosity; literary hebetude

That's the thesaurus definition of "indolence". I believe it's what I've sunk into I also believe that I've gone against one of my major life mantras as of late.

"Don't settle."

By that, I mean don't settle for something less than your potential just because you can't be bothered looking further, or you think you don't deserve any better. If you can do better, why wouldn't you?

Upon good news of a friend of mine today which involves her interning at a major music label, I turned and retold the news to my mother. I added at the end, in a joking manner, how nothing like that has happened to me. She replied, "well that's because you haven't tried." She meant it in the way that I haven't really had the opportunity to try due to semi-recent life events, but it got to me. I thought about it for quite a while after she'd said it and I couldn't help but wonder what I'd really done about my passion. I've raved on to many people about film and scriptwriting and all of that, yet I haven't seriously put my neck out to try it.

If someone asked me what I had to show for myself in terms of achievements this year, I would stare blankly back at them whilst a tumbleweed went past. People have been busting their guts to try and get a little bit further towards something they want to do in the long run. Have I grown restful and just let time pass me by? With the knowledge that I am moving to Melbourne and having two operations in the next 5 months, have I completely lost the drive that I need to push myself?

The past few years have almost become a complete write-off for me now. I understand that you're supposed to make mistakes, and you're not meant to know what to do the entire time, but I can't help but feel that I haven't done enough to even have a chance to make those mistakes in the first place.

Well done Ashleigh.