The Forty-Sixth: Down the Line

All I do is watch screens. Laptop screen, phone screen, plasma screen, projector screen...

I get a headache almost every night now.

If I write one more time about how I think I am doing nothing, I think I'll throw Milo MacBook across the room. And it's not his fault either. His owner is just going stir-crazy.

What else can I write about?

I had a brief moment of thinking about script-writing today. But then I shrugged it off as my motivation wavered. I also ate about half a pack of Tim-Tams. I've spent hours on Facebook and Twitter.

I'm done. I'm so done.

The Forty-Fifth: Dream a Little Dream

"A man dives into a burning building to save a child."

"A woman stands up against her abusive partner."

"A soldier steps out onto a battlefield."

All things that can be deemed as "acts of bravery". I have another one to add to the list that might not seem quite as intense or dangerous, but in my eyes, it's almost as scary.

"Two nineteen year old girls move across the entire country away from family and most friends to live where they have no job or financial security."

Agreed? Maybe not to the same degree as the first three, but I think you'll be able to see where I'm coming from here. The courage that it takes to step into the unknown and truly risk yourself is universal, across many plains. You don't have to be risking health or safety, or even standing up against another physical force. I believe that a form of courage comes from testing your abilities where failure is a huge possibility as an outcome. Failure. Such a word. It automatically makes me think about high school tests and game shows. To fail might be simply not to meet a standard that you set out for yourself or not reaching a deadline for a personal goal. Failure is so broad and we constantly set ourselves hoops to jump through; no wonder we "fail" at so many things. The reasons for potential failure in Melbourne linger around motivation and opportunity. The motivation could be killed easily with knockbacks, but this motivation is in direct relation to opportunity. Through opportunity comes motivation; the will to do better for something presented to us. The dealbreaker here is the aforementioned relation. If there are no opportunities discovered or presented, how are we to find the motivation to carry on. What opportunities I hear your minds whisper? Job opportunities. My moving buddy has a certain tenseness and stress in mind when it comes to talks of careers in Melbourne. Not that she's against working there by any means, it's more so the lack of direction and knowledge when it comes to actual workplaces. This is most likely a common dilemma for say...a student fresh out of uni. We, on the other hand, simply just have no clue what to do. Maybe just a job in retail, or bartending. We haven't looked into any Melbourne workplaces yet, but even then, how long are we to be stuck in a job that won't be beneficial to our chosen interests? I understand that people don't just walk into media offices and film sets straight out, but should we try to obtain something worthwhile whilst so inexperienced?

My answer is yes. I would like to try anyway. Personally, I want to get into it. I want to be in it right now. Dive head first. Whether or not I'll be able to find something like this that pays the bills and feeds the mind is another question. In the end, we're still leaving everything we've ever had behind. Our safety blankets will turn into handkerchiefs that we'll stuff up our sleeves, not to be seen or felt. I think we have courage.

I'd like to write now about something completely different. Well, not entirely different, but something that I've felt a lot of lately that I'm going to attempt to express here.

Little things go a long way sometimes. An arm around a shoulder. A short text. Even just a smile. Something that lets the other person know they're there, for any reason or purpose.

Often I'll think about how lucky I am to have the people that I do. A few stand closer to my heart than others, but that's bound to happen. Sometimes I think they'll never truly know how much they mean to me.

Very few have honestly seen all of my sides and edges. All except one. That one is special. They know it too. Hopefully. I can't quite explain the friendship that we have, but it's something that will stand through anything.

Each time I think about our lives together, all I can think of is possibility. Excitement. Travel. Fun. Closeness. Some friendships were made to run wild, crossing over into the other one's pathway and taking control every now and then. These friendships are amazing. This is us.

The Forty-Fourth: Indolence

indolence

noun

his musical gifts dissolved in the indolence of his nature LAZINESS.

idleness, slothfulness, sloth, shiftlessness, inactivity, inaction,

inertia, sluggishness, lifelessness, lethargy, languor, languidness,

torpor, torpidity; rare otiosity; literary hebetude

That's the thesaurus definition of "indolence". I believe it's what I've sunk into I also believe that I've gone against one of my major life mantras as of late.

"Don't settle."

By that, I mean don't settle for something less than your potential just because you can't be bothered looking further, or you think you don't deserve any better. If you can do better, why wouldn't you?

Upon good news of a friend of mine today which involves her interning at a major music label, I turned and retold the news to my mother. I added at the end, in a joking manner, how nothing like that has happened to me. She replied, "well that's because you haven't tried." She meant it in the way that I haven't really had the opportunity to try due to semi-recent life events, but it got to me. I thought about it for quite a while after she'd said it and I couldn't help but wonder what I'd really done about my passion. I've raved on to many people about film and scriptwriting and all of that, yet I haven't seriously put my neck out to try it.

If someone asked me what I had to show for myself in terms of achievements this year, I would stare blankly back at them whilst a tumbleweed went past. People have been busting their guts to try and get a little bit further towards something they want to do in the long run. Have I grown restful and just let time pass me by? With the knowledge that I am moving to Melbourne and having two operations in the next 5 months, have I completely lost the drive that I need to push myself?

The past few years have almost become a complete write-off for me now. I understand that you're supposed to make mistakes, and you're not meant to know what to do the entire time, but I can't help but feel that I haven't done enough to even have a chance to make those mistakes in the first place.

Well done Ashleigh.

The Forty-Third: Hard Hits Hit Hard

Today was disheartening.

Disheartening appears to be my word of the week. It's really not one I'd like to have, but it simply happened beyond my control. That's a lie, I let it happen.

I don't like not knowing what I'm doing.

Right now, I don't know what I'm doing.

I sleep for 10 hours at a time, yet still feel tired upon waking and feel dreary throughout the daylight hours. I want to do something productive, yet I'll just watch a film or go on Twitter. Or play Super Mario Galaxy 2. I feel the need to exercise and get fit, but I've got a knee reconstruction in 3 days' time. Hardly the opportune moment for me to spring into action with a fitness plan. I think that I'm letting a friend down constantly, yet she tells me that everything is fine. So why do I still feel inadequate? Inadequate to the point where I feel that said friend needs more than what I am.

Questions seem to be what ends up fuelling me everyday. The need to know why I'm perpetuating my mundane lifestyle. Hopefully in December I'll move to Melbourne and forget half the woes that have leeched onto me in the past few months. Or maybe not just forget the woes, I'll actually resolve them.

I haven't worked since January, and I only attended one uni class this year before realising it wasn't what I wanted to do in 2010. Mind you, I thought something brilliant was supposed to happen for me. Pity that fell through. Surprised though? No. It's just life. Just to list what a few of my close friends are achieving right now though: job interviews, finishing degrees, student fashion runways, national comedy gigs, record signings, internship interviews, drama performances...there is an array of talent there. Currently, I still have little to nothing to hold to my name. I wish I could whinge with a purpose, but I suppose if I wanted to do something, I would've done it by now, or at least started on it.

Fucking circumstances.

I had this amusing thought before.

That in many, many years' time, I might be famous for some form of talent in film, and someone will discover this blog, and search back through hundreds of pages and read these posts from when I was 19. I have a lot to hide, but the words I type are for anyone's eyes I suppose. I hope that someone might be able to relate or even understand, sympathise.

My train of thought has been everywhere now. The time has passed to 2.15am and my throat is getting a little dry.

Slumber.

The Forty-Second: Abnormal

The thoughts in my mind gain momentum right before I sleep. It's like they know that they're about to be put away, restrained, so they deliberately swirl harder and faster. I think about things that I wouldn't normally think about, like events that will happen in several weeks time, or things that have affected me in the past but I choose to consciously ignore during the daytime. And then there's other things that I ponder of often, like my Oscar's acceptance speech, Disneyland and moving to Melbourne. They're definitely pre-slumber material.

I also think about friendships, loss, death and health. Death seems to come with the darkness of night, which is annoying for someone who sleeps in a pitch black room.

Now, for example, I am writing my blog at 3:30am because I can't sleep, and my thoughts were betraying me in such a way that I needed to log into social networking to make me feel normal again. Knowing that there's others out there, awake and fatigued as I am, really helps when I'm feeling as if the world has gone to sleep and left me to my own devices. Devices and imagination. A dangerous combination.

Perhaps tonight I shall dream of Leonardo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt and wonder if they're attempting to plant an idea in my subconscious mind.

I wouldn't mind if they did.

The Forty-First: Dreaming

Six and a half weeks of travelling.

I feel like I need a holiday from my holiday.

Take the time to unwind, get over the constant intensity and exhaustion.

I'm sure I'll write about some parts of it soon.

But not now.

Now, I'll just sleep and let my mind sink into memory.