The Fortieth: In the Negative

I don't know if it's a girl thing, or if it's an Ashleigh thing, but I swear, my emotions go from 0-10 and back again in one day.

The slightest thing can send me into the descent, in a similar way in which something small can pick me up again.

It seriously annoys me how things like this happen so often. I wish there was a way to keep my emotions in check. I'll take one look at someone and just their presence will instantly make me feel angry and I'll start emanating rage. The rage then turns into self-deprecation and more anger before sort of progressing into a gradual depression. What a charming set of events.

But it's true. One thing leads to another, all sparked by someone who might evoke feelings in you from a significant event that affected you in the past.

Speaking uniformly for everyone, of course.

I don't even really know what the point of this post is. I spent 20 minutes sitting in my car in the driveway this evening. I'd just got home from somewhere and felt quite lonely, so I didn't move. My car was off, no music was on and it was fairly cold, yet I didn't want to move.

Depressing? Maybe, but it was also reflective.

The Thirty-Ninth: Day by Day

It's creeping slowly towards the day that I lift off and enter surreality. Only 4 days now before I'll be in London town, prancing around the streets with my best friend, shopping and eating everything in sight. Maybe not everything: I don't like salmon.

I feel under-prepared. I randomly woke at 6:45am this morning and all I could think about was travel cards and clothes I should take. I almost got out of bed and started packing (yes, I haven't started packing yet, at all). Instead, I quieted my mind and slept for another 3 hours before rising. However, one of the first things I DID do was call a 1800 number to unlock my iPhone for international use. After being redirected a few times, I found out from the lovely Indian man that the iPhone department is shut today because it's a holiday?!

NO IT'S NOT. IT'S JUST MONDAY.

Anyway, they're calling me back tomorrow. Ugh seriously, make it easy already! My favourite part was when I tried to tell him that it'd be too early to call me at 9am EST because I'm in the west, so I asked him whereabouts in Australia he was calling from. His answer? "Actually ma'am I am currently overseas."

Thankyou Ashleigh, for receiving the most obvious answer to the dumbest question. Of course an Australian telephone company wouldn't have their customer service offices in Australia. Silly girl.

Today, I will be productive. I'm going to throw my entire life into the washing machine and clean it so I have something to pack in the next few days. My oh my. I also need to tell my university that HEY, I won't be coming back, and also go and buy a camera charger....and....and memory cards for it. Rightio. Things to do.

I should probably get out of my pyjamas.

The Thirty-Eighth: I Want

To understand.

To learn.

To succeed.

To move.

To cry.

To not want to cry.

To write.

To write well.

To write something people will want to read.

To breathe in.

To breathe out.

To not have to be wary.

To have others be wary enough on my behalf.

To stop the perpetual cycle of emotions that I run through.

To stop hurting.

To stop being hurt.

To live.

The Thirty-Seventh: Empire

I've read the words "directorial debut" so many times now in Empire that is seems everyone can make films. Yes, I've done it again. I've gone and got myself all hoped up and inspired. Don't you hate it when this happens? It's just so frustrating, thinking all these big plans and ideas, when really, you're tied down to the ground.

I do a lot of whinging, I know that, but it's actually justified some of the time. Like right now. I can't do anything of worth until next year. Yes, I'll have fun and spend time with friends and all that, but I mean that I won't have anything to hold to my name until I move to Melbourne for next year.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to function to be honest. People grow up and realise their dreams; their aspirations. How do you get from point A to point B though? There's a tonne of rags to riches stories, and others of unreservedly talented beings that find their way through the throng of humanity in a few years to be on top of the world.

What scares me is that I don't know if I'm any good at what I'm interested in. It's no secret that I'm into film, well, "into" doesn't quite cover it, but you get the idea. So? I'm into it. I want to do something more with my life to do with film, but I have no idea if I can write, think, direct, produce, film or do anything that filmmakers need to have talent at doing. It's not that I'm saying I can't do these things, but in the same token, I don't that I can.

Accountants go to university and come out knowing exactly what to do. Lawyers get their law degrees then go work the dramatics of the courtroom. Filmmakers go to university and get a piece of paper telling them that they can...do what? Direct? Sure, but it won't be a Hollywood blockbuster straight out. Film? Yes, they can operate a camera, but they're no DP. Edit? Of course they can edit, it's one of the first major challenges, but can they edit a huge multi-million dollar project? Don't think so.

My point is that some people can come out of their degrees knowing almost everything they'll encounter; how to deal with their trade, how to handle their colleagues etc. Film students have no idea about the tiniest bit of the industry they think they'll break into. It's fucking scary.

I should know. I was one of them until I decided to up and quit education.

The Thirty-Sixth: Dripping with Flames

Sticking to the heat themed titles now.

I'm currently about 3 hours south of Perth in Cowaramup. Lovely place. Nice scenery, good wine, nommy cheese and chocolate (yes nommy, implying that you om nom nom them)...everything's relaxing and it's nice to get away from the...oh that's right I don't do anything anyway.

But seriously, regardless of what I was or was not doing at the time, it's nice to be somewhere else. Of course Kate and I decide that two weeks before we leave on our six and a half week trip, we want to go down south for the long weekend. Nevermind spending time with the family before we part for so long, let's just go chill on our own.

The success story of our day was lighting the fire in Kate's dad's house (although I disagreed with one of the log placements). It still worked. It's amazing watching fires. I watched the fire in the living here for a little while, and thought of other, larger fires that I've previously watched/taken heat from.

There was one just last week that I stared into for a while; a bonfire in a tin barrel in the backyard of my friend's house. It was freezing, yet we had to sit quite a way away from the fire because the heat was so strong. The flames occasionally lept out at us, accompanied by a piece of wood or two, much to the dismay of a few of the drunken onlookers.

The other large bonfire that today's made me think about was the one that my family basked in on the beach on an island in the Bahamas. It wasn't cold, yet the heat was welcome. It was such a lovely night.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm talking about fire and how I watch it, but it's something to write about. I feel like writing lately. Nonsensical information about nothing in particular. For some reason I really hope that one day, when I'll be on my 1000 and somethingth blog post, I'll be able to refer back to this and say, "I've come a long way since those days of writing."

The Thirty-Fifth: Hot and Steamy

I love a good misleading subject title.

I am, in fact, referring to my shower last night. As usual, it was very late, or very early actually, 2am, and also as usual, there were 3 candles lit instead of the bathroom lights. It's not an environmental thing, I just enjoy slightly less harsh lighting at night time. And because it puts me in a romantic mood with myself. No, ok back on topic. I also don't bother putting the extractor fan on that late because it makes everything cold and is too noisy. Also because I like when my bathroom gets completely misty. So there I was, in the hottest shower in existence, fogging up the whole bathroom, watching the steam rise off my skin in the candlelight...when suddenly...my brain kicked into gear.

I started thinking about the opening scenes of a film; a film based on my life. Due to the fact that these were in fact just early thoughts, I'll keep them to myself for now, because thoughts that aren't formed correctly can often sound like nonsense. Nonsense, love that word. So I had my lovely little shower and went into my room, opened my Mac and wrote. Only a few things here and there, but it was the basis for something that I hope to continue working on.

I just couldn't believe the time and nature of my brainstorm. Really, I should just try and steam my mind more often. It works. The heat, the white wisps of hot air touching cold air, the candles, the silence of everything else around me...I should write a fucking sonnet.

Or a script.

I think the latter might be of better use to me.

The Thirty-Fourth: Nerd with a Capital Loser

I, am a nerd.

I've known this for a while, but recently suppressed this fact in light of awesome travel plans and friends that are far cooler than I am. However, I couldn't help my nerdiness the other day when I turned to my friend and told her that I might go home because I felt like starting a new game of Zelda: Twilight Princess.

To make matters worse, would you like to know what the majority of my day consisted of? Well, I woke up around 11.30am, had some cereal, then went into the theatre and played Super Mario Galaxy for a good few hours. Brilliant start. From there, I needed lunch, so I made myself a tuna melt, and sat back down to watch Pokémon: Season Two, to which I have the DVD box set. Naturally, I went back to SMG afterwards, but couldn't pass a level, so I referred to the SMG GameGuide application which I have on my iPhone.

Game. Set. Match.

I should just get up and go work for EB Games already.

The Thirty-Third: Just Because I'm Losing

It's that time again.

And by "that time", I mean that time that I feel desolate. Seems to be coming 'round a lot lately. Reasoning? Well let me think...

I'm not at uni; yes that's a choice. I don't wish to continue with nor go back to an educational facility. I'll walk out thinking I can run the world when in the meantime I could've been piecing together a portfolio of smarter things ie. experience. I'm not working either. It's fun I tell you, waking up and not having a single thing to do. Sound like a cakewalk? It's not. You have time to think. Too much time. Time to write things like this.

Also, I think I have things, but really, I don't. They might say that I have them, but that's not true. I don't really have you. I know those things want other things. Or maybe they need other things; things that I can't be.

Is there a point to this? Yes. There is.

It's about the light. That one at the end of the tunnel that everyone is gradually moving towards. No, it's not death. This light is the metaphorical light that represents our desired outcome from a situation that we're struggling through. I'm in a rut and my light at the end of the tunnel is Europe. In 17 days from now, on June the 18th, I finally leave on my 6am flight to London, stopping over in Dubai (for just an hour mind you). Flight time totalling 18 hours, all whilst sitting next to my best friend Kate. She might kill me by the end. By the time we're in London, it'll be about 6.30pm, still on the 18th. We're hoping to be in our hotel and back out ready to eat dinner by about 8:30pm, but who knows. At this point, I should also mention that we're on a hardcore diet right now, in preparation for the joys of European food. Good idea? Who knows that either. But we're doing it! That first meal in London will be so intensely satisfying. I'll probably order a plate of chocolate.

From there, it's a few days in London, up to Newark, over to Amsterdam then back to London before embarking on our "London to Athens plus Greek Island hopping" Contiki tour. My god, just writing that is exciting.

It's my light.

"Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost."