The Thirty-Second: Android

We apologise for saying too much, saying too little, not doing enough, doing way too much.

We apologise for crying, laughing, speaking, listening, failing, succeeding.

We apologise for cheating, stealing, killing, hurting, punching, heart-breaking.

But after all of these have been pardoned, what's the point? Have we said sorry too much? Or was it just not worth saying it in the first place. Yes, sometimes, with reason, it's called for.

There's exceptions (including the last listed line above). Saying "I love you" too much probably isn't something you should apologise for. It is to be encouraged. Seeing too much of one person? Don't apologise unless you're stalking them. The company is needed. Think you've told someone close to you too much about yourself? There's a reason they're close to you. They take it willingly and trustingly.

Please, please don't doubt yourself.

You're only human.

The Thirty-First: Catch 22

It's interesting, the way the human mind works. We see a few different options and try to determine whether one option is better than the other. We weigh up the consequences; we figure out which one is worth more.

Or we go for the one that will hurt less.

That's the thing though. Sometimes both options will hurt. Choosing the lesser of two evils.

It's not fun.

The Thirtieth: Addict

"Today when I woke, the sky fell down.

I passed by the day, walking through clouds."

I wrote that the other morning on the way to the shops with a friend. She was driving and I was quiet, silent actually. I stared out the passenger seat window and looked up at the sky (no this won't turn into Death Cab lyrics), and I literally felt like everything was falling down around me. I've really been feeling everything lately. By "feeling everything", I mean that every thing gets me down. Right down to not having the right ingredients in the kitchen to make something. Horrible isn't it. Well it is.

The major event that triggered this though was the phone call that I received from a Melbourne film production office telling me that they're actually starting their shoot about 4 weeks after the original production commencement date. This means that if I were to go over to Melbourne for the work experience I originally planned for, I would only have about 10 days on set before I would have to fly home and go to Europe.

It went from 4 weeks to 10 days.

Once I get back from Europe, I have two operations, both of which will improve my quality of life dramatically, but will put me out of action until October-ish. Then from there, I have about a month before moving to Melbourne. Then I'll need a job rah rah rah rah etc.

It's very easy to fall into a pattern of feeling hopeless.

To feel like you're constantly running into walls.

To think that things might not work out.

To feel inadequate.

The Twenty-Ninth: Pull

If there were one thing to get me out of the mood I'm in right now, it would be this.

Well, maybe not the one and only thing, but it'd certainly help.

The Twenty-Eighth: An Education

A while ago, last year in fact, when I was nearly 19, I wrote three poems for my Creative Writing Unit. One was longer than the other two, but I quite enjoyed the three of them together. They were completely unrelated, both to each other and to myself. I've decided to share them.

Welcome to my works.

Resonance
By Ashleigh Bell

The lunar tunes of the deep, cold night.
The hum of the sun-kissed day.

Spirits
By Ashleigh Bell

They both
Chinked together
At the edge of the glass.
He bought a round of her, whilst she
Shot him.

Elephant in the Room
By Ashleigh Bell

The young man sat there, fiddling with his tie
trying desperately to sit still.
The young woman perched, eying him off,
eager to pounce until...

The young man opened his quivering mouth,
to say what she wanted to hear,
But the only words to escape his mouth, were
"I simply can't say it, my dear."

The young woman's face began to red,
disgusted at what she had heard.
"You'd think that THREE WORDS were simple enough,
and then she screamed "YOU'RE ABSURD!"

The young man gulped, fear in his chair,
his heart was sinking like lead.
'Til something close by, a trunk, moved in,
and started to tap on his head.

Looking up to find the source, he gazed
(though he needn't have gazed too far),
A big grey creature with tusks and all,
it seemed a little bizarre.

Shrugging the trunk to one side he stood,
eager to lighten the mood.
"It isn't not my fault I can't say it out loud!
and he sat back down to brood.

Looking back at the man, the elephant laughed,
"I'm here to encourage you boy!
My job is to voice what you can't speak,
I really don't want to annoy..."

"But I know that you feel it, you big buffoon,
Why don't you just say it out loud?
You'll feel much better, just give it a try!
Say it big, say it now, say it proud!"

The young man leapt up, hope in his heart,
He was ready to do the right thing.
"My dear, I love you! For now and forever!"
and he opened a box with a ring.

The young woman smiled at her favourite three words,
pleased at the truth he pronounced,
And with a casual flick of her long blonde hair,
she ordered the elephant out.

The Twenty-Seventh: Moment

I just mentioned to my best friend that I'm "having a moment". She proceeded to ask, "moment?". I can't really explain entirely what I mean by this "moment" that I'm having, but I appear to have them frequently. I enter a state of thinking that is so deep and beyond my regular consciousness that I freak out immediately after I start thinking normally again. Right now, I'm still following along the lines of my previous post. The part about how we're working towards something for no reason in particular. Well, continuing those thoughts, I came up with a brief list that just kept flowing.

What's the point of it all?

We just keep going and going, but for what cause?

Do we keep going out of ignorance?

Are we not trying to find another purpose?

Are we settling with what we think we know?

What else am I expecting people to do?

I don't understand how some people can work at jobs they hate for most of their lives just to be able to put food on the table and never do what they really want; never reach true happiness. I've both questioned and answered something there though. I asked "why would you do something that doesn't make you happy" and the answer is "necessity". You do it because you have no choice. Because it is the current answer to your own personal problems. Something like that.

A week or so ago, my family were talking marriages and relationships, and my sister said something very interesting. She said, "You shouldn't settle for anything less than exactly what you want. You should be completely honest with yourself in order to be happy." I sat there thinking that wasn't just something related to love, but it's also related to every other aspect of your life. If you settle with something, then that's exactly what you'll get. Something that you don't feel quite right with, but it's an OK option at the time, so you'll take it. It comprises your happiness.

Happiness appears to be a common theme amongst my Q&As. I like to think that I'm working towards my own happiness gradually, but I wonder if I'll ever reach a point in my life where I can say, "OK, now I'm happy." Do you consistently just feel happy after achieving a long term goal? Or is this emotion just a short fix until you create your next dream to pine over?

I revolve around these thoughts.

I revolve around these anxieties.

I revolve.