The Twenty-Sixth: Porcelain

Most of the time, I believe it to be Ashleigh vs. The World.

Or at least, I feel that way a lot recently.

I'm having one of those "I want to be anywhere but here" moments. They're so common these days. And not just for me. I have friends at uni or high school or work that are just so fed up with their day-to-day lives that they're ready to throw in the towel.

I think I've already thrown in the towel. Or at least, I threw in the towel at the beginning of 2008. Now I'm picking up the towel and trying to make amends. I severed a lot of ties in my life. Friendships, work, education, family etc. all because I couldn't deal with what was happening around me. Now, things are moving again; things are changing. Yet, more than ever, all I want to do is hit the Esc button and back out. Why do we do that? We constantly work and live to be somewhere else, do something else. Why can't we accept the time and place that we exist in? It's a "grass is always greener" scenario. I'm fairly sure it's a well explored topic amongst self-help type people. The whole idea of "living in the now", partially mentioned in a previous post of mine, where you wake up and immediately and consciously see where you are, think about your day, and don't worry about the future.

Isn't that scary though? How can you not think 5 years into the future? Aren't plans part of how we live? I don't understand how you could just...live for the day. Maybe that's part of my problem. I'm too busy wondering how I'll get to where I want to be in 10 year's time, instead of looking at what I should be doing right now.

This photo was taken by myself in the Bahamas in 2008.

This picture is where I'd rather be.

Reality, eat your fucking heart out.

The Twenty-Fifth: The Hardest Part

It's interesting that the words and thoughts of one person can be so easily related to someone else. You know those days when you're listening to your music library, and almost every song that comes on makes you wonder how your iPod knows what you were feeling? I've had a lot on my mind lately, and the songs that play in shuffle are just spot on.

Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Don't Panic - Coldplay

The World May Never Know - Dr. Dog

Talk To Me - Peaches

Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson

Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell

Babylon - David Gray

Talk - Coldplay

You Don't Know Me - Ben Folds & Regina Spektor

Come Together - The Beatles

There's more, but again, I'm just listing songs. It's just so interesting when lyrics explain perfectly what you're thinking or feeling. I mean, how many songs are there? Millions? Billions? And yet the handful in my iTunes describe precisely what I can't say? Some of those songs hit so close to home as well. A lot more songs are about grief and whatnot, and with the looming birthday of someone, it's not hard to gravitate towards those songs. My family draw out a lot of interesting feelings in me. If they ever read this, I hope they don't get hugely offended, because I wouldn't ever ask for any more or any less family than I have. That's a lie; I'll be forever asking for one of them back, but they know what I mean.

I'm sure I'll write a happy post on here at some point. It'll be sometime soon. I can feel it.

This too shall pass.

XXV

The Twenty-Fourth: Insomnia

It seems that every 2nd or 3rd post is turning into a playlist. Is that all that bad? I know blogs that do far worse. Well, no I don't, but I assume there are some that are worse than mine. Wow, imagining having, and acknowledging, that your blog is the worst that there is. I wonder what it would be like? Would it be all Satanistic and condemning every person? Or would there just be loads of spelling and grammatical errors?

I'm rambling. It's because I'm tired. But I can't sleep.

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep, stuck in reverse.

Yes, Coldplay does have the lyrics to life.

Right, so here is a list of songs that I play to attempt to get to sleep. One of these songs, "Into Dust" by Mazzy Star is the highest played song on one of my best friend's iTunes. She's played it approx. 410 times. The next highest played song is at about 70. Of course, she learnt of this song from me, so I know that my music knowledge is doing good for someone. Take a listen, in no particular order.

Mad World - Gary Jules

Into Dust - Mazzy Star

Those To Come - The Shins

Redford (For Yia-Yia & Pappou) - Sufjan Stevens

Parachutes - Coldplay

Shelter For My Soul - Bernard Fanning

Both Sides Now (Love, Actually Version) - Joni Mitchell

Middle of the Hill - Josh Pyke

Birds - Neil Young

Bullet Proof...I Wish I Was - Radiohead

Constellations - Jack Johnson

Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

9 Crimes - Damien Rice

Dream on.