The Twenty-Third: Never Leave Lonely Alone

I feel like my recent posts have been mainly about me complaining about things. I simply can't help it lately. You know when you just go through time periods where you feel the loneliness of the world? That actually is a bit of an oxymoron isn't it. Unless you're referring to the actual planet. In that respect, I'm sure you could feel lonely, knowing you're so small on such a gigantic chunk of earth. I just wish that I had a solution. I don't want pity, and I'm not after attention. My family seem to have gotten something right though.

Take my mum and sister.

Both of them are pretty into thoughts. And by this, I mean they're into the power of the mind. With recent events in my family, well, not too recent now I guess, but with these events came huge grief and struggle. Both my mum and sister have chosen to read and listen to such publications as Rhonda Byrne's "The Secret" and Eckhart Tolle's "Now". They both promote different ideas, but eventuate to the same idea of happiness and wellbeing. From what I just gathered from my sister, "The Secret" is about finding out what you're thinking by how you feel. It's also about how if you feel amazing, and think positive thoughts, then you'll send these frequencies out into the universe, and by laws of attraction, positive things will come your way.

Now, I'm not very into the whole "spirituality" thing, but some of this stuff does make a bit of sense. My sister said that it changed her life.

Maybe it's a change that I need too.

The Twenty-Second: WriteRightRite

So, I've been playing with words lately. I'm sure I've mentioned it somewhere before, but if I haven't, then here it is. I'm writing a script. I've actually got a few script ideas on the go, but I'm really just working on the one. It's been working titled "Surf" for months and months now. It started off as a uni assignment, where we had to script the opening 5 minutes of a larger production. I liked mine so much (modest), that I decided to keep writing it.

For years now, I've dreamed of going back to the UK or the US and starting a film career. Now, for the first time, I'm seeing myself staying here in Australia and trying to bust out Aussie films. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to be in Hollywood, but wanting to be on the "Hollywood scene"? I definitely don't want to stay in Perth, not necessarily because of the lack of film work, but simply because I do need a scene change. "Surf" is set in Queensland and is essentially about the dynamics of a group of teenagers living on their own. I'm not giving too much away (mainly because I'm not too sure where it's going at this point), but I like the idea that if this film were to get made and I were to direct it, I'd be filming in Australia and it would be credited as an Australian production.

I just finished watching the Matrix trilogy for the umpteenth time. I find those films incredible. They're groundbreaking in terms of how they mixed genres, worked the plot, used combinations of technology and explored themes, but to me, the scriptwriting was beyond brilliant. Listening to the words come out of the mouths of the actors, I just can't fathom how the scriptwriters even came up with them. I gather inspiration from a lot of places and people, and this is just another one. Watching the DVD extras of Matrix Revolutions only made me think more and more about how I were to construct my own film.

I really do hope that one day soon, I can start my career. It's such a tentative industry, but the drive that I have is exceptional. I hope to refer to this blog in years to come in an interview, and say, "See? I've wanted to do this for a long time. Now, here I am."

Variations of the following quote were said in several scenes between Morpheus and Naiobe during the Matrix trilogy. It's simple. Not hugely insightful, yet it doesn't need to be. It's just, nice.

"Some things never change."

"And some things do."

The Twenty-First: Scream and Shout

You know those moments, when you feel like the world is just watching you fail at everything, and nothing is really going right? Obviously. Everyone has those moments. Frequently. I am absolutely no exception to this rule whatsover. Topping off my week from hell, I am sitting in my bedroom, preparing myself for a night of DVDs and icecream. My other friends will be flying to Melbourne for a week of fun times, but I'm repeating myself. I merely say that I'm just scraping the bottom of the barrel slightly, and feel like getting some of these feelings off my chest. Now, how does one go about doing this? I have a suggestion. A mighty suggestion. One that has so much win in it, that I'm tempted to keep it to myself, had it not been quite a common remedy for these feelings of loneliness and uselessness.

Ok, want to know what it is?

Really?

Because I sure do.

Ok.

SCREAMING AND SINGING WILDLY TO LOUD MUSIC.

Genius. But you need the right music to do this too. I have saved you the effort, and compiled a "Scream List". No particular order, they're all brilliant to blast.

I Want You To Want Me - Letters to Cleo

Take Me or Leave Me - Cast of RENT

So What - P!nk

Science is Golden - The Grates

All The Small Things - Blink 182

Talk To Me - Peaches

Crazy In Love - Beyoncé

Lisztomania - Phoenix

Voulez-Vous - Cast of Mamma-Mia

You've Got The Love - Florence and the Machine

Bohemian Like You - Dandy Warhols

Just - Radiohead

Supermassive Black Hole - Muse

My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson

Bulletproof - La Roux

Army - Ben Folds

The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson

The Chain - Fleetwood Mac

Viva la Vida - Coldplay

Shout out.

The Twentieth: Definition

"Definition", by definition, is "a statement of the exact meaning of a word."

I'm going to prelude this post with a brief statement of my own: I'm not thinking too clearly right now, I am just writing. The sense that this post will eventually make, may be in the negatives. But it is my thoughts, therefore they will get the pleasure of being aired out. Now I can start.

I'm thinking of definitions a lot lately, and how we, as humans, are compelled to define everything we come across. We define objects, actions, reactions, relationships, personalities, preferences; everything we can think of. In fact, the reason why we can even think of these things in the first place is because they have been defined to us. I dare you to try and describe something that hasn't been defined yet. The edge of the universe? The length of 'infinity'? The meaning of life? All things that we struggle to comprehend, so therefore cannot define.

I am, of course, not particularly referring to these things in my post. I don't care too much for science, nor maths, and although I might attempt to dabble in philosophy, I'm hardly going to make any headway on the matter, so the previously mentioned undefined things aren't what are at heart here. I'm talking about that feeling when you're so angry at someone, yet they haven't done anything wrong in the first place, but you cannot stop the rage that is growing inside you. What even is that? Is that just me? Or another undefined emotion: that feeling when you think what you're doing feels semi-right, but it's wrong as well, but you still want to believe it's right because it does really feel right, when in truth it probably really is wrong? I didn't describe that well. But that's the point to all of this. Can some things remain indescribable?

Every time we feel something new, we think it's new to the entire world, but it's probably not. Someone, somewhere, has almost been guaranteed to feel the precise same way that you just did. Someone was possibly in your exact situation just days before, and had no idea how to voice what they felt. The issue is that sometimes people don't speak up. Things go undefined. Morally, is this a bad thing? Labels can sometimes create hatred and conflict. But in terms of emotions and whatnot, it can help to understand if you know what you're dealing with, right? For someone to turn around and say, "Oh, I know precisely what you're feeling. It's ____.", well, I know I could use someone who did that for me.

My grand point, is that I think we should stop scrambling to define every little thing in our lives. Leave some mystery. Leave something for your imagination. Don't rule out things because you've given it a label that it must abide to.

Leave some hope.

The Nineteenth: High Rotation

I may have just published a new post, but I feel like I should balance out a heavy post, with a light one. These songs aren't necessarily my top played, just the ones I've been listening to a lot lately. In no particular order of preference...

1. The Matter (Of Our Discussion) by Boom Bip feat. Nina Nastasia

2. Brothers On A Hotel Bed by Death Cab For Cutie

3. Ocean Breathes Salty by Sun Kil Moon

4. Jezebel by Iron & Wine

5. Eet by Regina Spektor

6. I've Handled Myself Wrong by Grace Woodroofe

7. Autumn Story by Firekites

8. Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell

9. The Dress Looks Nice On You by Sufjan Stevens

10. Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

11. Into My Arms by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

12. And the Boys by Angus & Julia Stone

13. Your Love Means Everything by Coldplay

14. Hello by Schuyler Fisk

15. Where Is Your Heart by Kelly Clarkson

So that wraps up another eclectic mix of music.

I'm going to go and sleep my worries away now.

Happy Saturday the 20th of March, 2010. It just turned morning.

The Eighteenth: Fragility

Reading over my last blog about change, makes me really angry. It seems like I thought I knew everything about something. Clearly, I don't.

Yesterday, one of my best friends Matt and I drove to a dog beach to take his dog for a walk. In the 45 odd minutes that we'd left his car, it was broken into and mine and his wallets were stolen. From there, my credit card was used for purchases exceeding over $500. Aren't humans lovely? At 7.20pm that evening, I had a netball game. At the end of the 1st quarter, the shooter I was defending brought her elbow down hard on my forehead, almost concussing me. I sat off for the 2nd quarter and was ready for the 3rd. I came back on as Wing Attack and no sooner had the whistle sounded that I jumped for the ball, came down awkwardly, and hyper-extended my knee. Yelping with pain and tears coming out in torrents, I was driven to the hospital by my friend Kerry, where I was met by my parents some time later. The GP referred me to an orthopedic surgeon, but the main thing that she mentioned was that I wouldn't be travelling anywhere anytime soon.

This next Saturday the 27th, I was supposed to be flying to Melbourne to work on a comedy show with another best friend of mine, Joel. It was me, and 5 other friends that were flying over, and we were going to flyer on the streets, go to his show every night, then party on 'til morning. As mentioned by the GP, and today confirmed by the surgeon, I cannot fly due to high risk of blood clots, and the fact that it wouldn't be worth the pain and strain on my injury. So there goes two weeks of fun with my friends on the East Coast. On top of this, it was put to the surgeon whether I would be able to fly by May. May of course, being the month that I am travelling to Melbourne for the work experience on Simon Wincer's film set. At this question, the surgeon showed an unsettling expression, and a sound that implied, "don't get your hopes up".

I thought that such news would make me upset, yes, but I have literally just fallen off the face of the Earth with depressing emotions. I've been crying periodically on and off the entire day, and I cannot seem to shake this feeling of total and utter shock and sadness. I understand that next week's Melbourne trip was something I was looking forward to hugely, but it's getting me down far more than expected.

It's confirmed a long running theory of mine though.

For some reason, in my life, nothing can go right for too long. Many people would think that this is a highly negative theory and it's one that I try desperately not to believe in, but it keeps proving itself right.

I'm awaiting the series of events that prove it wrong.

The Seventeenth: Spare Change

Change is inevitable. So why do we bitch and moan when it comes about? That's a bit of a useless statement though, because death is also inevitable, yet I'm fairly sure a lot of people "bitch and moan" about that.

But change is different. It's something that we also want, and deliberately try to bring about. It's a thing that some people embrace, because it can cause very, very good things to happen. Most of the people in my life right now are going through changes. That sounds very puberty-esque, but that's not quite the change I'm referring too. I have a friend who just got signed to a major record label, and she'll be releasing her debut album in August. I've also got a friend who just flew over to Melbourne to perform his premiere comedy show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Big changes, right? So where does that leave the rest of us? The "not-so-amazingly-and-naturally-talented-in-our-field" people? I don't like to think of it as "I'm not going anywhere", but more just "my change hasn't happened yet". It's not always something you can do yourself. Some changes occur when you least expect them to, and go hand in hand with opportunity and chance. You could meet the person to help you out just by bumping into them randomly at a coffee shop, or meeting them through a friend.

Or you could sit back, carry on with your "average" life and wait.

Ashleigh, it's not that bad.

The Sixteenth: Stubborn

This is about me. Well, mostly about me anyway.

You see world, I want to make films. I love films and I want to be around them for the rest of my life. I happen to have a great deal of contacts in the industry, yet, due to unforeseen circumstances, I've let a lot if these contacts go by the wayside. Now my family are urging me to use the remaining contacts to get back on my feet, but I'm a little slow to the mark. For this reason, my judgement about certain things has changed.

I don't get angry at people who won't accept help, I get angry at the fact that they might be passing up an opportunity that others won't have. I know that in the past, when I've accepted help, it's only lead me to good places. By help I mean work experience, or someone putting in a good word for someone else. It might feel like you're being handed everything, when in fact you're taking a step towards what others can only look at.

Accepting help doesn't mean that you're lowering yourself either. You're not saying "hey I can't get anywhere on my own, I need help". Someone else is saying "you know what, I think you could be really great at what you want to do, so I'm going to hook you up with someone else who can make it happen for you". It's as simple as that. No patronising, no pity. Just support.

To practice what I'm preaching, I've put myself forward to potentially be considered to work on a film set in May, with the help of my sister. Take that, pride.