The Sixty-Second: Moonlighting

Once again I find myself drawn to the allure of mild insomnia purely for the purpose of watching the bonus features of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and writing this blog post. I actually came on here to write something of relative importance. It's to do with my passion. My passion is something that has dropped by the wayside lately (by lately I mean this past year) but I suddenly feel a bit of an urge to move around a little.

I'm going to start a new script.
I'm sick of going over my first one, trying to push ideas around in my head that aren't correlating properly, so I'm leaving it to simmer for a while whilst I tackle new thoughts.

I'm taking a new direction in my writing. It'll either be comedy or action. Action/sci-fi possibly. Not full on sci-fi though; more in the X-Men sense.

I suppose I'll keep my "avid readers" updated with my progress.

The Sixty-First: Rock

It's getting towards the end of my time here in Perth, and I'm starting to reflect back on the amazing amount of things that have happened to me here. It's not like I'm never coming back, but the next time I live here, will be in many years to come, if ever.

I've lived here for all 20 years of my life, and although there's been many, many visits to countries around the world, here has always been my home.

In saying this, I am bustin' to get outta here! I've squeezed all the life I can out of my stay here in Perth, and I'm ready to move on. The art scene in Melbourne is going to be incredible. I can already hear the film festivals calling. I go up and down in motivation a lot, but right now, with the pending shift, I feel ready to do something.

I'm going to miss everybody, the movie nights, the themed nights, the trips douth, the photo shoots, the candid footage, the hilarious jokes. Everything.

The Sixtieth: Passing Through

Songs that help.

Bohemian Like You - The Dandy Warhols

Raise Your Glass - P!nk

Fever - Kylie Minogue

Little Bribes - Death Cab For Cutie

Never Give Up On The Good Times - Spice Girls

Hot-n-Fun feat. Nelly Furtado - N.E.R.D.

Monster - Kanye West

Betty - Brooke Fraser

Hold Music - Architecture in Helsinki

1901 - Phoenix

Ride Wit Me - Nelly

Mixing it up a little, true, but when you're confronted with problems, songs like these have a guiding glow.

The Fifty-Ninth: Could It Be Enough

It seems that these updates only occur after some form of conflict. It's like when someone goes through something horrible and has the urge to write it down in a diary or in narrative form, so too do I feel the need to express my thoughts in HTML.

For now, I am resting upon the idea that love isn't enough. It's a huge topic to cover in such short sentiments, but it's one of those 'age old' phrases that I feel safe to touch on.

When two people have so much love between them, you'd think that anything could hold them together, yet, things can still break them apart. Does that mean that love isn't enough? Or just that something else is bigger and stronger? I personally don't think that love is enough. I could go ahead and say, "Of course love isn't enough. You also need trust, happiness and loyalty."

Let's just say that love encompasses all of the happy-go-lucky things mentioned above. Is it still not enough? The temptations that other things bring. The temptations that other people bring to a couple is dangerous. The whole 'cheating' thing. There's also desire and lust, and other such things.

What if there was so much love, but not enough desire between them? Can you 100% be in love with someone yet not want them bad enough to only want them?

Why so many questions about love Ashleigh?!

Films give me far too many ideas and templates to place on the couples I know. Exploring the notion of love and it's connotations is so interesting to me.

Nothing seems more complex nor intricate than love and it's followers.

The Fifty-Eighth: Still to Come

You know what phrase I have a massive issue with?

"These are the best years of our lives."

It frustrates me. I don't like to think that any one time period will be contain the "best years" of my life and that no other set of years will surpass it in greatness. Once that time period passes, does that mean it's all downhill from there? Nothing else can get better?

Instead, I like to think that I will have several amazing years, here and there, all throughout my long life.

And that's the end of that.

The Fifty-Seventh: Presence

The phenomenon of giving presents to others is so profound. It's almost in giving that we are indeed selfish. When you think about it, we give to feel better about ourselves, or to gain an emotional response in others, thus reflecting that response onto ourselves once more. I am not heartless. I love giving. I could go completely against my words and say "I love to give because I know that the gifts that I send will bring happiness to the bearer." That's not entirely untrue. It is a reason. But the notion that you're giving to invoke an emotion is still just playing in my mind.

I'm not trying to dismantle Christmas, or suggest that people stop buying me presents, because I love getting them, it's simply the motives behind some peoples' giving. The guilt of "having" to buy someone a present for their birthday. Is that really heartfelt giving? Or is that just culture turned "what is right and wrong?".

Thoughts are swirling.

The Fifty-Sixth: Full of Self

Even though I have received many messages and calls of concern today from friends and family, at the end of the day, I'm still alone and feeling utterly helpless, lying in a hospital bed.

You see, when you're in an unfortunate situation, you're the only one living it 24/7. Everyone else can give their thoughts and prayers, but they can forget about you and your problem immediately afterwards. Out of sight, out of mind.

I am guilty of such things, however I suppose I have been victim to this more than others.

Blah blah blah.

The Fifty-Fifth: Twins

I am writing from the hospital. I've now got both of my major surgeries out of the way so it's only forward moving from now on. Whilst I'm immobile (no driving for a little while) I plan on finding furniture and exciting things like that to place in my new house.

Things are good.
So is life.

The Fifty-Fourth: Nonchalant

I am happy.

I am happy.

I am happy.

I really am.

The Fifty-Third: Wrong in all the Right Ways

Today was a test of some description. Whom it was set up by and to prove remain a mystery but it certainly was tricky.

I had my last consultation before my second surgery next week. It's a little scary but because it's semi-elective (though largely medical), I feel that I should be braver. As in, I opted to have it, I shouldn't complain about it.

Still, the same lack of control scenario is breathing down my neck and I'm crumbling slightly under it's gaze.

In a week's time, it'll all be over and I'll be starting my recover. The second joyous recovery period of this year. That means no driving might I add. I'll be going stir-crazy for approximately 2 weeks. I'm shuddering at the thought of being bound to my house.

I found solace today in a song. Bizarre song choice, but P!nk always seems to really improve my spirits. So for now, "Raise Your Glass" is my happiness. Why so serious?

The Fifty-Second: Futile Devices

I took a plane flight back from Melbourne to Perth on Monday.

There were no little TV screens on the back of the seats.

There were no little TV screens above us near the lights and air con.

There were no little TV screens at all.

This isn't a princess issue. I'm not complaining because I'm someone who just has to have entertainment on a flight. I had an issue with this because normally I use films to distract me for the entirety of the time that I'm in a 180 tonne object 12km above the ground. Luckily though, an old friend was flying home on the same flight as me and we couldn't stop talking for the whole 4 hours.

I discovered something though.

I discovered the source of my anxieties that are to do with flying and other such things. It's the fact that there are so many variables out of my control. I'm not a control freak and I very often let things go wild, but when it comes flights, I don't like the fact that I don't know when the plane is going to jump up and down. I don't like that something could happen that could lead to intense disaster. I've always loved flying. I've flown on horribly long flights before. Yet going to and from domestic cities, somehow I'd developed an anxiety of flying. Lately, I appear to have fought and won my battle with this fear though. I'm quite proud of that.

Another great fear of mine is fear of loss. I'm almost 100% sure that I've mentioned this before so I won't go into it, but it makes so much sense to me now I can look back and see how I think. I have a constant, almost innate fear that the people closest to me are in trouble, or if I leave, I might not see them again. This fear is just the same as the flying anxiety. It's something I can't control or predict, therefore it scares me.

It's just so hilariously annoying. How the mind can work against us so criminally. I wish there was a way to let all of it go.

The Fifty-First: Back and Forth

It seems like I'm just a little bit behind in my own thoughts.

By this, I mean my thoughts are forming but I'm not truly realising them until a little while later. They creep up on me. It's frustrating.

I just wish I could see my thoughts like a word document or have them keep little tabs so when one of them forms in my subconscious, I know about it.

Instead, they all seem to rush in at the most inappropriate moments of anger and pain. Like a giant test of my strength to be able to handle them when I don't want them. It's a constant battle.

Melbourne tends to let my mind wander. Perhaps it's not the city at all, just the change of scenery and people. I can feel myself having a lot of inspiration when I live here in a few months.

"Come on in, I gotta tell you what a state I'm in."

The Fiftieth: Hurricane Drunk

Oh the complications.

It would far too boring for everything to fall into place, wouldn't it?

I'm not sure if I would prefer the simple, boring life where everything works, or the twisted one where change is a constant.

My choice of tunes today are reflecting the interweaving emotions that I can't describe. I like when that happens. When you can't tell someone how you feel, but you play them a song that can.

I'm moving to Melbourne. The key word that is continuously under scrutiny is "when". It looks like I'll be living alone for a little while first. 'Spose that's how things work out sometimes. You wouldn't learn anything if it were all placed out nicely in front of you. It's all about fighting through the hard parts to come across the glowing happiness. Glowing happiness? I think I'm on some sort of emotional high today, which is bizarre when most of what I'm feeling is low.

Things will be ok.

Everything will be ok.

You'd be mad not to think otherwise.

The Forty-Ninth: Bite the Bullet

Sometimes, it takes a lot of patience, and a lot of strength to be able to hold your tongue in a situation that you know will backfire if you give your two cents.

The Forty-Eighth: Brown Paper Packages

There are some days that I feel like I don't know what to do. On these days, I feel kind of lonely and weird. There are a few things that I can do that will help me. Here are some of them.

- Buying DVD's

- Watching Pokémon

- Listening to Katy Perry

- Compiling lists

- Making travel plans

- Organising my music

- Planning meals with exciting foods

- Twittering incessantly

- Watching Digimon

- Going through old Facebook photos

- Scrolling through pages of TFLN and MLIA

- Scanning eBay for old Nintendo items

- Thinking of birthday presents for friends

- Coming up with film scenes

- Matching music to the film scenes that I come up with

- Inviting friends to come over for themed get togethers (Harry Potter is tomorrow night)

- Creating Facebook events for above mentioned get togethers

- Looking at my Marcs fingerless gloves

- Looking at my 5000 other Marcs items

- Pining over Chanel online

- Thinking of something awesome to eat then travelling all the way to satisfy that hunger

- Sending a seriously witty text

- Making a list of things I need to put in an apartment

That's a few things that get me back on the right waves.

The Forty-Seventh: Tulips

They were brought to me in a bunch, but they hadn't yet bloomed.

They sat by my window until 3 days later, when they did indeed come to life.

Beautifully orange.

The flowers lingered for 2 more days before I began to hear the quiet sound of the petals dropping, one by one to the desk on which they sat.

I wish everything was as simple and peaceful as this.

The Forty-Sixth: Down the Line

All I do is watch screens. Laptop screen, phone screen, plasma screen, projector screen...

I get a headache almost every night now.

If I write one more time about how I think I am doing nothing, I think I'll throw Milo MacBook across the room. And it's not his fault either. His owner is just going stir-crazy.

What else can I write about?

I had a brief moment of thinking about script-writing today. But then I shrugged it off as my motivation wavered. I also ate about half a pack of Tim-Tams. I've spent hours on Facebook and Twitter.

I'm done. I'm so done.

The Forty-Fifth: Dream a Little Dream

"A man dives into a burning building to save a child."

"A woman stands up against her abusive partner."

"A soldier steps out onto a battlefield."

All things that can be deemed as "acts of bravery". I have another one to add to the list that might not seem quite as intense or dangerous, but in my eyes, it's almost as scary.

"Two nineteen year old girls move across the entire country away from family and most friends to live where they have no job or financial security."

Agreed? Maybe not to the same degree as the first three, but I think you'll be able to see where I'm coming from here. The courage that it takes to step into the unknown and truly risk yourself is universal, across many plains. You don't have to be risking health or safety, or even standing up against another physical force. I believe that a form of courage comes from testing your abilities where failure is a huge possibility as an outcome. Failure. Such a word. It automatically makes me think about high school tests and game shows. To fail might be simply not to meet a standard that you set out for yourself or not reaching a deadline for a personal goal. Failure is so broad and we constantly set ourselves hoops to jump through; no wonder we "fail" at so many things. The reasons for potential failure in Melbourne linger around motivation and opportunity. The motivation could be killed easily with knockbacks, but this motivation is in direct relation to opportunity. Through opportunity comes motivation; the will to do better for something presented to us. The dealbreaker here is the aforementioned relation. If there are no opportunities discovered or presented, how are we to find the motivation to carry on. What opportunities I hear your minds whisper? Job opportunities. My moving buddy has a certain tenseness and stress in mind when it comes to talks of careers in Melbourne. Not that she's against working there by any means, it's more so the lack of direction and knowledge when it comes to actual workplaces. This is most likely a common dilemma for say...a student fresh out of uni. We, on the other hand, simply just have no clue what to do. Maybe just a job in retail, or bartending. We haven't looked into any Melbourne workplaces yet, but even then, how long are we to be stuck in a job that won't be beneficial to our chosen interests? I understand that people don't just walk into media offices and film sets straight out, but should we try to obtain something worthwhile whilst so inexperienced?

My answer is yes. I would like to try anyway. Personally, I want to get into it. I want to be in it right now. Dive head first. Whether or not I'll be able to find something like this that pays the bills and feeds the mind is another question. In the end, we're still leaving everything we've ever had behind. Our safety blankets will turn into handkerchiefs that we'll stuff up our sleeves, not to be seen or felt. I think we have courage.

I'd like to write now about something completely different. Well, not entirely different, but something that I've felt a lot of lately that I'm going to attempt to express here.

Little things go a long way sometimes. An arm around a shoulder. A short text. Even just a smile. Something that lets the other person know they're there, for any reason or purpose.

Often I'll think about how lucky I am to have the people that I do. A few stand closer to my heart than others, but that's bound to happen. Sometimes I think they'll never truly know how much they mean to me.

Very few have honestly seen all of my sides and edges. All except one. That one is special. They know it too. Hopefully. I can't quite explain the friendship that we have, but it's something that will stand through anything.

Each time I think about our lives together, all I can think of is possibility. Excitement. Travel. Fun. Closeness. Some friendships were made to run wild, crossing over into the other one's pathway and taking control every now and then. These friendships are amazing. This is us.

The Forty-Fourth: Indolence

indolence

noun

his musical gifts dissolved in the indolence of his nature LAZINESS.

idleness, slothfulness, sloth, shiftlessness, inactivity, inaction,

inertia, sluggishness, lifelessness, lethargy, languor, languidness,

torpor, torpidity; rare otiosity; literary hebetude

That's the thesaurus definition of "indolence". I believe it's what I've sunk into I also believe that I've gone against one of my major life mantras as of late.

"Don't settle."

By that, I mean don't settle for something less than your potential just because you can't be bothered looking further, or you think you don't deserve any better. If you can do better, why wouldn't you?

Upon good news of a friend of mine today which involves her interning at a major music label, I turned and retold the news to my mother. I added at the end, in a joking manner, how nothing like that has happened to me. She replied, "well that's because you haven't tried." She meant it in the way that I haven't really had the opportunity to try due to semi-recent life events, but it got to me. I thought about it for quite a while after she'd said it and I couldn't help but wonder what I'd really done about my passion. I've raved on to many people about film and scriptwriting and all of that, yet I haven't seriously put my neck out to try it.

If someone asked me what I had to show for myself in terms of achievements this year, I would stare blankly back at them whilst a tumbleweed went past. People have been busting their guts to try and get a little bit further towards something they want to do in the long run. Have I grown restful and just let time pass me by? With the knowledge that I am moving to Melbourne and having two operations in the next 5 months, have I completely lost the drive that I need to push myself?

The past few years have almost become a complete write-off for me now. I understand that you're supposed to make mistakes, and you're not meant to know what to do the entire time, but I can't help but feel that I haven't done enough to even have a chance to make those mistakes in the first place.

Well done Ashleigh.

The Forty-Third: Hard Hits Hit Hard

Today was disheartening.

Disheartening appears to be my word of the week. It's really not one I'd like to have, but it simply happened beyond my control. That's a lie, I let it happen.

I don't like not knowing what I'm doing.

Right now, I don't know what I'm doing.

I sleep for 10 hours at a time, yet still feel tired upon waking and feel dreary throughout the daylight hours. I want to do something productive, yet I'll just watch a film or go on Twitter. Or play Super Mario Galaxy 2. I feel the need to exercise and get fit, but I've got a knee reconstruction in 3 days' time. Hardly the opportune moment for me to spring into action with a fitness plan. I think that I'm letting a friend down constantly, yet she tells me that everything is fine. So why do I still feel inadequate? Inadequate to the point where I feel that said friend needs more than what I am.

Questions seem to be what ends up fuelling me everyday. The need to know why I'm perpetuating my mundane lifestyle. Hopefully in December I'll move to Melbourne and forget half the woes that have leeched onto me in the past few months. Or maybe not just forget the woes, I'll actually resolve them.

I haven't worked since January, and I only attended one uni class this year before realising it wasn't what I wanted to do in 2010. Mind you, I thought something brilliant was supposed to happen for me. Pity that fell through. Surprised though? No. It's just life. Just to list what a few of my close friends are achieving right now though: job interviews, finishing degrees, student fashion runways, national comedy gigs, record signings, internship interviews, drama performances...there is an array of talent there. Currently, I still have little to nothing to hold to my name. I wish I could whinge with a purpose, but I suppose if I wanted to do something, I would've done it by now, or at least started on it.

Fucking circumstances.

I had this amusing thought before.

That in many, many years' time, I might be famous for some form of talent in film, and someone will discover this blog, and search back through hundreds of pages and read these posts from when I was 19. I have a lot to hide, but the words I type are for anyone's eyes I suppose. I hope that someone might be able to relate or even understand, sympathise.

My train of thought has been everywhere now. The time has passed to 2.15am and my throat is getting a little dry.

Slumber.

The Forty-Second: Abnormal

The thoughts in my mind gain momentum right before I sleep. It's like they know that they're about to be put away, restrained, so they deliberately swirl harder and faster. I think about things that I wouldn't normally think about, like events that will happen in several weeks time, or things that have affected me in the past but I choose to consciously ignore during the daytime. And then there's other things that I ponder of often, like my Oscar's acceptance speech, Disneyland and moving to Melbourne. They're definitely pre-slumber material.

I also think about friendships, loss, death and health. Death seems to come with the darkness of night, which is annoying for someone who sleeps in a pitch black room.

Now, for example, I am writing my blog at 3:30am because I can't sleep, and my thoughts were betraying me in such a way that I needed to log into social networking to make me feel normal again. Knowing that there's others out there, awake and fatigued as I am, really helps when I'm feeling as if the world has gone to sleep and left me to my own devices. Devices and imagination. A dangerous combination.

Perhaps tonight I shall dream of Leonardo DiCaprio and Joseph Gordon-Levitt and wonder if they're attempting to plant an idea in my subconscious mind.

I wouldn't mind if they did.

The Forty-First: Dreaming

Six and a half weeks of travelling.

I feel like I need a holiday from my holiday.

Take the time to unwind, get over the constant intensity and exhaustion.

I'm sure I'll write about some parts of it soon.

But not now.

Now, I'll just sleep and let my mind sink into memory.

The Fortieth: In the Negative

I don't know if it's a girl thing, or if it's an Ashleigh thing, but I swear, my emotions go from 0-10 and back again in one day.

The slightest thing can send me into the descent, in a similar way in which something small can pick me up again.

It seriously annoys me how things like this happen so often. I wish there was a way to keep my emotions in check. I'll take one look at someone and just their presence will instantly make me feel angry and I'll start emanating rage. The rage then turns into self-deprecation and more anger before sort of progressing into a gradual depression. What a charming set of events.

But it's true. One thing leads to another, all sparked by someone who might evoke feelings in you from a significant event that affected you in the past.

Speaking uniformly for everyone, of course.

I don't even really know what the point of this post is. I spent 20 minutes sitting in my car in the driveway this evening. I'd just got home from somewhere and felt quite lonely, so I didn't move. My car was off, no music was on and it was fairly cold, yet I didn't want to move.

Depressing? Maybe, but it was also reflective.

The Thirty-Ninth: Day by Day

It's creeping slowly towards the day that I lift off and enter surreality. Only 4 days now before I'll be in London town, prancing around the streets with my best friend, shopping and eating everything in sight. Maybe not everything: I don't like salmon.

I feel under-prepared. I randomly woke at 6:45am this morning and all I could think about was travel cards and clothes I should take. I almost got out of bed and started packing (yes, I haven't started packing yet, at all). Instead, I quieted my mind and slept for another 3 hours before rising. However, one of the first things I DID do was call a 1800 number to unlock my iPhone for international use. After being redirected a few times, I found out from the lovely Indian man that the iPhone department is shut today because it's a holiday?!

NO IT'S NOT. IT'S JUST MONDAY.

Anyway, they're calling me back tomorrow. Ugh seriously, make it easy already! My favourite part was when I tried to tell him that it'd be too early to call me at 9am EST because I'm in the west, so I asked him whereabouts in Australia he was calling from. His answer? "Actually ma'am I am currently overseas."

Thankyou Ashleigh, for receiving the most obvious answer to the dumbest question. Of course an Australian telephone company wouldn't have their customer service offices in Australia. Silly girl.

Today, I will be productive. I'm going to throw my entire life into the washing machine and clean it so I have something to pack in the next few days. My oh my. I also need to tell my university that HEY, I won't be coming back, and also go and buy a camera charger....and....and memory cards for it. Rightio. Things to do.

I should probably get out of my pyjamas.

The Thirty-Eighth: I Want

To understand.

To learn.

To succeed.

To move.

To cry.

To not want to cry.

To write.

To write well.

To write something people will want to read.

To breathe in.

To breathe out.

To not have to be wary.

To have others be wary enough on my behalf.

To stop the perpetual cycle of emotions that I run through.

To stop hurting.

To stop being hurt.

To live.

The Thirty-Seventh: Empire

I've read the words "directorial debut" so many times now in Empire that is seems everyone can make films. Yes, I've done it again. I've gone and got myself all hoped up and inspired. Don't you hate it when this happens? It's just so frustrating, thinking all these big plans and ideas, when really, you're tied down to the ground.

I do a lot of whinging, I know that, but it's actually justified some of the time. Like right now. I can't do anything of worth until next year. Yes, I'll have fun and spend time with friends and all that, but I mean that I won't have anything to hold to my name until I move to Melbourne for next year.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to function to be honest. People grow up and realise their dreams; their aspirations. How do you get from point A to point B though? There's a tonne of rags to riches stories, and others of unreservedly talented beings that find their way through the throng of humanity in a few years to be on top of the world.

What scares me is that I don't know if I'm any good at what I'm interested in. It's no secret that I'm into film, well, "into" doesn't quite cover it, but you get the idea. So? I'm into it. I want to do something more with my life to do with film, but I have no idea if I can write, think, direct, produce, film or do anything that filmmakers need to have talent at doing. It's not that I'm saying I can't do these things, but in the same token, I don't that I can.

Accountants go to university and come out knowing exactly what to do. Lawyers get their law degrees then go work the dramatics of the courtroom. Filmmakers go to university and get a piece of paper telling them that they can...do what? Direct? Sure, but it won't be a Hollywood blockbuster straight out. Film? Yes, they can operate a camera, but they're no DP. Edit? Of course they can edit, it's one of the first major challenges, but can they edit a huge multi-million dollar project? Don't think so.

My point is that some people can come out of their degrees knowing almost everything they'll encounter; how to deal with their trade, how to handle their colleagues etc. Film students have no idea about the tiniest bit of the industry they think they'll break into. It's fucking scary.

I should know. I was one of them until I decided to up and quit education.

The Thirty-Sixth: Dripping with Flames

Sticking to the heat themed titles now.

I'm currently about 3 hours south of Perth in Cowaramup. Lovely place. Nice scenery, good wine, nommy cheese and chocolate (yes nommy, implying that you om nom nom them)...everything's relaxing and it's nice to get away from the...oh that's right I don't do anything anyway.

But seriously, regardless of what I was or was not doing at the time, it's nice to be somewhere else. Of course Kate and I decide that two weeks before we leave on our six and a half week trip, we want to go down south for the long weekend. Nevermind spending time with the family before we part for so long, let's just go chill on our own.

The success story of our day was lighting the fire in Kate's dad's house (although I disagreed with one of the log placements). It still worked. It's amazing watching fires. I watched the fire in the living here for a little while, and thought of other, larger fires that I've previously watched/taken heat from.

There was one just last week that I stared into for a while; a bonfire in a tin barrel in the backyard of my friend's house. It was freezing, yet we had to sit quite a way away from the fire because the heat was so strong. The flames occasionally lept out at us, accompanied by a piece of wood or two, much to the dismay of a few of the drunken onlookers.

The other large bonfire that today's made me think about was the one that my family basked in on the beach on an island in the Bahamas. It wasn't cold, yet the heat was welcome. It was such a lovely night.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm talking about fire and how I watch it, but it's something to write about. I feel like writing lately. Nonsensical information about nothing in particular. For some reason I really hope that one day, when I'll be on my 1000 and somethingth blog post, I'll be able to refer back to this and say, "I've come a long way since those days of writing."

The Thirty-Fifth: Hot and Steamy

I love a good misleading subject title.

I am, in fact, referring to my shower last night. As usual, it was very late, or very early actually, 2am, and also as usual, there were 3 candles lit instead of the bathroom lights. It's not an environmental thing, I just enjoy slightly less harsh lighting at night time. And because it puts me in a romantic mood with myself. No, ok back on topic. I also don't bother putting the extractor fan on that late because it makes everything cold and is too noisy. Also because I like when my bathroom gets completely misty. So there I was, in the hottest shower in existence, fogging up the whole bathroom, watching the steam rise off my skin in the candlelight...when suddenly...my brain kicked into gear.

I started thinking about the opening scenes of a film; a film based on my life. Due to the fact that these were in fact just early thoughts, I'll keep them to myself for now, because thoughts that aren't formed correctly can often sound like nonsense. Nonsense, love that word. So I had my lovely little shower and went into my room, opened my Mac and wrote. Only a few things here and there, but it was the basis for something that I hope to continue working on.

I just couldn't believe the time and nature of my brainstorm. Really, I should just try and steam my mind more often. It works. The heat, the white wisps of hot air touching cold air, the candles, the silence of everything else around me...I should write a fucking sonnet.

Or a script.

I think the latter might be of better use to me.

The Thirty-Fourth: Nerd with a Capital Loser

I, am a nerd.

I've known this for a while, but recently suppressed this fact in light of awesome travel plans and friends that are far cooler than I am. However, I couldn't help my nerdiness the other day when I turned to my friend and told her that I might go home because I felt like starting a new game of Zelda: Twilight Princess.

To make matters worse, would you like to know what the majority of my day consisted of? Well, I woke up around 11.30am, had some cereal, then went into the theatre and played Super Mario Galaxy for a good few hours. Brilliant start. From there, I needed lunch, so I made myself a tuna melt, and sat back down to watch Pokémon: Season Two, to which I have the DVD box set. Naturally, I went back to SMG afterwards, but couldn't pass a level, so I referred to the SMG GameGuide application which I have on my iPhone.

Game. Set. Match.

I should just get up and go work for EB Games already.

The Thirty-Third: Just Because I'm Losing

It's that time again.

And by "that time", I mean that time that I feel desolate. Seems to be coming 'round a lot lately. Reasoning? Well let me think...

I'm not at uni; yes that's a choice. I don't wish to continue with nor go back to an educational facility. I'll walk out thinking I can run the world when in the meantime I could've been piecing together a portfolio of smarter things ie. experience. I'm not working either. It's fun I tell you, waking up and not having a single thing to do. Sound like a cakewalk? It's not. You have time to think. Too much time. Time to write things like this.

Also, I think I have things, but really, I don't. They might say that I have them, but that's not true. I don't really have you. I know those things want other things. Or maybe they need other things; things that I can't be.

Is there a point to this? Yes. There is.

It's about the light. That one at the end of the tunnel that everyone is gradually moving towards. No, it's not death. This light is the metaphorical light that represents our desired outcome from a situation that we're struggling through. I'm in a rut and my light at the end of the tunnel is Europe. In 17 days from now, on June the 18th, I finally leave on my 6am flight to London, stopping over in Dubai (for just an hour mind you). Flight time totalling 18 hours, all whilst sitting next to my best friend Kate. She might kill me by the end. By the time we're in London, it'll be about 6.30pm, still on the 18th. We're hoping to be in our hotel and back out ready to eat dinner by about 8:30pm, but who knows. At this point, I should also mention that we're on a hardcore diet right now, in preparation for the joys of European food. Good idea? Who knows that either. But we're doing it! That first meal in London will be so intensely satisfying. I'll probably order a plate of chocolate.

From there, it's a few days in London, up to Newark, over to Amsterdam then back to London before embarking on our "London to Athens plus Greek Island hopping" Contiki tour. My god, just writing that is exciting.

It's my light.

"Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost."

The Thirty-Second: Android

We apologise for saying too much, saying too little, not doing enough, doing way too much.

We apologise for crying, laughing, speaking, listening, failing, succeeding.

We apologise for cheating, stealing, killing, hurting, punching, heart-breaking.

But after all of these have been pardoned, what's the point? Have we said sorry too much? Or was it just not worth saying it in the first place. Yes, sometimes, with reason, it's called for.

There's exceptions (including the last listed line above). Saying "I love you" too much probably isn't something you should apologise for. It is to be encouraged. Seeing too much of one person? Don't apologise unless you're stalking them. The company is needed. Think you've told someone close to you too much about yourself? There's a reason they're close to you. They take it willingly and trustingly.

Please, please don't doubt yourself.

You're only human.

The Thirty-First: Catch 22

It's interesting, the way the human mind works. We see a few different options and try to determine whether one option is better than the other. We weigh up the consequences; we figure out which one is worth more.

Or we go for the one that will hurt less.

That's the thing though. Sometimes both options will hurt. Choosing the lesser of two evils.

It's not fun.

The Thirtieth: Addict

"Today when I woke, the sky fell down.

I passed by the day, walking through clouds."

I wrote that the other morning on the way to the shops with a friend. She was driving and I was quiet, silent actually. I stared out the passenger seat window and looked up at the sky (no this won't turn into Death Cab lyrics), and I literally felt like everything was falling down around me. I've really been feeling everything lately. By "feeling everything", I mean that every thing gets me down. Right down to not having the right ingredients in the kitchen to make something. Horrible isn't it. Well it is.

The major event that triggered this though was the phone call that I received from a Melbourne film production office telling me that they're actually starting their shoot about 4 weeks after the original production commencement date. This means that if I were to go over to Melbourne for the work experience I originally planned for, I would only have about 10 days on set before I would have to fly home and go to Europe.

It went from 4 weeks to 10 days.

Once I get back from Europe, I have two operations, both of which will improve my quality of life dramatically, but will put me out of action until October-ish. Then from there, I have about a month before moving to Melbourne. Then I'll need a job rah rah rah rah etc.

It's very easy to fall into a pattern of feeling hopeless.

To feel like you're constantly running into walls.

To think that things might not work out.

To feel inadequate.

The Twenty-Ninth: Pull

If there were one thing to get me out of the mood I'm in right now, it would be this.

Well, maybe not the one and only thing, but it'd certainly help.

The Twenty-Eighth: An Education

A while ago, last year in fact, when I was nearly 19, I wrote three poems for my Creative Writing Unit. One was longer than the other two, but I quite enjoyed the three of them together. They were completely unrelated, both to each other and to myself. I've decided to share them.

Welcome to my works.

Resonance
By Ashleigh Bell

The lunar tunes of the deep, cold night.
The hum of the sun-kissed day.

Spirits
By Ashleigh Bell

They both
Chinked together
At the edge of the glass.
He bought a round of her, whilst she
Shot him.

Elephant in the Room
By Ashleigh Bell

The young man sat there, fiddling with his tie
trying desperately to sit still.
The young woman perched, eying him off,
eager to pounce until...

The young man opened his quivering mouth,
to say what she wanted to hear,
But the only words to escape his mouth, were
"I simply can't say it, my dear."

The young woman's face began to red,
disgusted at what she had heard.
"You'd think that THREE WORDS were simple enough,
and then she screamed "YOU'RE ABSURD!"

The young man gulped, fear in his chair,
his heart was sinking like lead.
'Til something close by, a trunk, moved in,
and started to tap on his head.

Looking up to find the source, he gazed
(though he needn't have gazed too far),
A big grey creature with tusks and all,
it seemed a little bizarre.

Shrugging the trunk to one side he stood,
eager to lighten the mood.
"It isn't not my fault I can't say it out loud!
and he sat back down to brood.

Looking back at the man, the elephant laughed,
"I'm here to encourage you boy!
My job is to voice what you can't speak,
I really don't want to annoy..."

"But I know that you feel it, you big buffoon,
Why don't you just say it out loud?
You'll feel much better, just give it a try!
Say it big, say it now, say it proud!"

The young man leapt up, hope in his heart,
He was ready to do the right thing.
"My dear, I love you! For now and forever!"
and he opened a box with a ring.

The young woman smiled at her favourite three words,
pleased at the truth he pronounced,
And with a casual flick of her long blonde hair,
she ordered the elephant out.

The Twenty-Seventh: Moment

I just mentioned to my best friend that I'm "having a moment". She proceeded to ask, "moment?". I can't really explain entirely what I mean by this "moment" that I'm having, but I appear to have them frequently. I enter a state of thinking that is so deep and beyond my regular consciousness that I freak out immediately after I start thinking normally again. Right now, I'm still following along the lines of my previous post. The part about how we're working towards something for no reason in particular. Well, continuing those thoughts, I came up with a brief list that just kept flowing.

What's the point of it all?

We just keep going and going, but for what cause?

Do we keep going out of ignorance?

Are we not trying to find another purpose?

Are we settling with what we think we know?

What else am I expecting people to do?

I don't understand how some people can work at jobs they hate for most of their lives just to be able to put food on the table and never do what they really want; never reach true happiness. I've both questioned and answered something there though. I asked "why would you do something that doesn't make you happy" and the answer is "necessity". You do it because you have no choice. Because it is the current answer to your own personal problems. Something like that.

A week or so ago, my family were talking marriages and relationships, and my sister said something very interesting. She said, "You shouldn't settle for anything less than exactly what you want. You should be completely honest with yourself in order to be happy." I sat there thinking that wasn't just something related to love, but it's also related to every other aspect of your life. If you settle with something, then that's exactly what you'll get. Something that you don't feel quite right with, but it's an OK option at the time, so you'll take it. It comprises your happiness.

Happiness appears to be a common theme amongst my Q&As. I like to think that I'm working towards my own happiness gradually, but I wonder if I'll ever reach a point in my life where I can say, "OK, now I'm happy." Do you consistently just feel happy after achieving a long term goal? Or is this emotion just a short fix until you create your next dream to pine over?

I revolve around these thoughts.

I revolve around these anxieties.

I revolve.

The Twenty-Sixth: Porcelain

Most of the time, I believe it to be Ashleigh vs. The World.

Or at least, I feel that way a lot recently.

I'm having one of those "I want to be anywhere but here" moments. They're so common these days. And not just for me. I have friends at uni or high school or work that are just so fed up with their day-to-day lives that they're ready to throw in the towel.

I think I've already thrown in the towel. Or at least, I threw in the towel at the beginning of 2008. Now I'm picking up the towel and trying to make amends. I severed a lot of ties in my life. Friendships, work, education, family etc. all because I couldn't deal with what was happening around me. Now, things are moving again; things are changing. Yet, more than ever, all I want to do is hit the Esc button and back out. Why do we do that? We constantly work and live to be somewhere else, do something else. Why can't we accept the time and place that we exist in? It's a "grass is always greener" scenario. I'm fairly sure it's a well explored topic amongst self-help type people. The whole idea of "living in the now", partially mentioned in a previous post of mine, where you wake up and immediately and consciously see where you are, think about your day, and don't worry about the future.

Isn't that scary though? How can you not think 5 years into the future? Aren't plans part of how we live? I don't understand how you could just...live for the day. Maybe that's part of my problem. I'm too busy wondering how I'll get to where I want to be in 10 year's time, instead of looking at what I should be doing right now.

This photo was taken by myself in the Bahamas in 2008.

This picture is where I'd rather be.

Reality, eat your fucking heart out.

The Twenty-Fifth: The Hardest Part

It's interesting that the words and thoughts of one person can be so easily related to someone else. You know those days when you're listening to your music library, and almost every song that comes on makes you wonder how your iPod knows what you were feeling? I've had a lot on my mind lately, and the songs that play in shuffle are just spot on.

Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Don't Panic - Coldplay

The World May Never Know - Dr. Dog

Talk To Me - Peaches

Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson

Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell

Babylon - David Gray

Talk - Coldplay

You Don't Know Me - Ben Folds & Regina Spektor

Come Together - The Beatles

There's more, but again, I'm just listing songs. It's just so interesting when lyrics explain perfectly what you're thinking or feeling. I mean, how many songs are there? Millions? Billions? And yet the handful in my iTunes describe precisely what I can't say? Some of those songs hit so close to home as well. A lot more songs are about grief and whatnot, and with the looming birthday of someone, it's not hard to gravitate towards those songs. My family draw out a lot of interesting feelings in me. If they ever read this, I hope they don't get hugely offended, because I wouldn't ever ask for any more or any less family than I have. That's a lie; I'll be forever asking for one of them back, but they know what I mean.

I'm sure I'll write a happy post on here at some point. It'll be sometime soon. I can feel it.

This too shall pass.

XXV

The Twenty-Fourth: Insomnia

It seems that every 2nd or 3rd post is turning into a playlist. Is that all that bad? I know blogs that do far worse. Well, no I don't, but I assume there are some that are worse than mine. Wow, imagining having, and acknowledging, that your blog is the worst that there is. I wonder what it would be like? Would it be all Satanistic and condemning every person? Or would there just be loads of spelling and grammatical errors?

I'm rambling. It's because I'm tired. But I can't sleep.

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep, stuck in reverse.

Yes, Coldplay does have the lyrics to life.

Right, so here is a list of songs that I play to attempt to get to sleep. One of these songs, "Into Dust" by Mazzy Star is the highest played song on one of my best friend's iTunes. She's played it approx. 410 times. The next highest played song is at about 70. Of course, she learnt of this song from me, so I know that my music knowledge is doing good for someone. Take a listen, in no particular order.

Mad World - Gary Jules

Into Dust - Mazzy Star

Those To Come - The Shins

Redford (For Yia-Yia & Pappou) - Sufjan Stevens

Parachutes - Coldplay

Shelter For My Soul - Bernard Fanning

Both Sides Now (Love, Actually Version) - Joni Mitchell

Middle of the Hill - Josh Pyke

Birds - Neil Young

Bullet Proof...I Wish I Was - Radiohead

Constellations - Jack Johnson

Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

9 Crimes - Damien Rice

Dream on.

The Twenty-Third: Never Leave Lonely Alone

I feel like my recent posts have been mainly about me complaining about things. I simply can't help it lately. You know when you just go through time periods where you feel the loneliness of the world? That actually is a bit of an oxymoron isn't it. Unless you're referring to the actual planet. In that respect, I'm sure you could feel lonely, knowing you're so small on such a gigantic chunk of earth. I just wish that I had a solution. I don't want pity, and I'm not after attention. My family seem to have gotten something right though.

Take my mum and sister.

Both of them are pretty into thoughts. And by this, I mean they're into the power of the mind. With recent events in my family, well, not too recent now I guess, but with these events came huge grief and struggle. Both my mum and sister have chosen to read and listen to such publications as Rhonda Byrne's "The Secret" and Eckhart Tolle's "Now". They both promote different ideas, but eventuate to the same idea of happiness and wellbeing. From what I just gathered from my sister, "The Secret" is about finding out what you're thinking by how you feel. It's also about how if you feel amazing, and think positive thoughts, then you'll send these frequencies out into the universe, and by laws of attraction, positive things will come your way.

Now, I'm not very into the whole "spirituality" thing, but some of this stuff does make a bit of sense. My sister said that it changed her life.

Maybe it's a change that I need too.

The Twenty-Second: WriteRightRite

So, I've been playing with words lately. I'm sure I've mentioned it somewhere before, but if I haven't, then here it is. I'm writing a script. I've actually got a few script ideas on the go, but I'm really just working on the one. It's been working titled "Surf" for months and months now. It started off as a uni assignment, where we had to script the opening 5 minutes of a larger production. I liked mine so much (modest), that I decided to keep writing it.

For years now, I've dreamed of going back to the UK or the US and starting a film career. Now, for the first time, I'm seeing myself staying here in Australia and trying to bust out Aussie films. Is there anything wrong with not wanting to be in Hollywood, but wanting to be on the "Hollywood scene"? I definitely don't want to stay in Perth, not necessarily because of the lack of film work, but simply because I do need a scene change. "Surf" is set in Queensland and is essentially about the dynamics of a group of teenagers living on their own. I'm not giving too much away (mainly because I'm not too sure where it's going at this point), but I like the idea that if this film were to get made and I were to direct it, I'd be filming in Australia and it would be credited as an Australian production.

I just finished watching the Matrix trilogy for the umpteenth time. I find those films incredible. They're groundbreaking in terms of how they mixed genres, worked the plot, used combinations of technology and explored themes, but to me, the scriptwriting was beyond brilliant. Listening to the words come out of the mouths of the actors, I just can't fathom how the scriptwriters even came up with them. I gather inspiration from a lot of places and people, and this is just another one. Watching the DVD extras of Matrix Revolutions only made me think more and more about how I were to construct my own film.

I really do hope that one day soon, I can start my career. It's such a tentative industry, but the drive that I have is exceptional. I hope to refer to this blog in years to come in an interview, and say, "See? I've wanted to do this for a long time. Now, here I am."

Variations of the following quote were said in several scenes between Morpheus and Naiobe during the Matrix trilogy. It's simple. Not hugely insightful, yet it doesn't need to be. It's just, nice.

"Some things never change."

"And some things do."

The Twenty-First: Scream and Shout

You know those moments, when you feel like the world is just watching you fail at everything, and nothing is really going right? Obviously. Everyone has those moments. Frequently. I am absolutely no exception to this rule whatsover. Topping off my week from hell, I am sitting in my bedroom, preparing myself for a night of DVDs and icecream. My other friends will be flying to Melbourne for a week of fun times, but I'm repeating myself. I merely say that I'm just scraping the bottom of the barrel slightly, and feel like getting some of these feelings off my chest. Now, how does one go about doing this? I have a suggestion. A mighty suggestion. One that has so much win in it, that I'm tempted to keep it to myself, had it not been quite a common remedy for these feelings of loneliness and uselessness.

Ok, want to know what it is?

Really?

Because I sure do.

Ok.

SCREAMING AND SINGING WILDLY TO LOUD MUSIC.

Genius. But you need the right music to do this too. I have saved you the effort, and compiled a "Scream List". No particular order, they're all brilliant to blast.

I Want You To Want Me - Letters to Cleo

Take Me or Leave Me - Cast of RENT

So What - P!nk

Science is Golden - The Grates

All The Small Things - Blink 182

Talk To Me - Peaches

Crazy In Love - Beyoncé

Lisztomania - Phoenix

Voulez-Vous - Cast of Mamma-Mia

You've Got The Love - Florence and the Machine

Bohemian Like You - Dandy Warhols

Just - Radiohead

Supermassive Black Hole - Muse

My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson

Bulletproof - La Roux

Army - Ben Folds

The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson

The Chain - Fleetwood Mac

Viva la Vida - Coldplay

Shout out.

The Twentieth: Definition

"Definition", by definition, is "a statement of the exact meaning of a word."

I'm going to prelude this post with a brief statement of my own: I'm not thinking too clearly right now, I am just writing. The sense that this post will eventually make, may be in the negatives. But it is my thoughts, therefore they will get the pleasure of being aired out. Now I can start.

I'm thinking of definitions a lot lately, and how we, as humans, are compelled to define everything we come across. We define objects, actions, reactions, relationships, personalities, preferences; everything we can think of. In fact, the reason why we can even think of these things in the first place is because they have been defined to us. I dare you to try and describe something that hasn't been defined yet. The edge of the universe? The length of 'infinity'? The meaning of life? All things that we struggle to comprehend, so therefore cannot define.

I am, of course, not particularly referring to these things in my post. I don't care too much for science, nor maths, and although I might attempt to dabble in philosophy, I'm hardly going to make any headway on the matter, so the previously mentioned undefined things aren't what are at heart here. I'm talking about that feeling when you're so angry at someone, yet they haven't done anything wrong in the first place, but you cannot stop the rage that is growing inside you. What even is that? Is that just me? Or another undefined emotion: that feeling when you think what you're doing feels semi-right, but it's wrong as well, but you still want to believe it's right because it does really feel right, when in truth it probably really is wrong? I didn't describe that well. But that's the point to all of this. Can some things remain indescribable?

Every time we feel something new, we think it's new to the entire world, but it's probably not. Someone, somewhere, has almost been guaranteed to feel the precise same way that you just did. Someone was possibly in your exact situation just days before, and had no idea how to voice what they felt. The issue is that sometimes people don't speak up. Things go undefined. Morally, is this a bad thing? Labels can sometimes create hatred and conflict. But in terms of emotions and whatnot, it can help to understand if you know what you're dealing with, right? For someone to turn around and say, "Oh, I know precisely what you're feeling. It's ____.", well, I know I could use someone who did that for me.

My grand point, is that I think we should stop scrambling to define every little thing in our lives. Leave some mystery. Leave something for your imagination. Don't rule out things because you've given it a label that it must abide to.

Leave some hope.

The Nineteenth: High Rotation

I may have just published a new post, but I feel like I should balance out a heavy post, with a light one. These songs aren't necessarily my top played, just the ones I've been listening to a lot lately. In no particular order of preference...

1. The Matter (Of Our Discussion) by Boom Bip feat. Nina Nastasia

2. Brothers On A Hotel Bed by Death Cab For Cutie

3. Ocean Breathes Salty by Sun Kil Moon

4. Jezebel by Iron & Wine

5. Eet by Regina Spektor

6. I've Handled Myself Wrong by Grace Woodroofe

7. Autumn Story by Firekites

8. Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell

9. The Dress Looks Nice On You by Sufjan Stevens

10. Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

11. Into My Arms by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

12. And the Boys by Angus & Julia Stone

13. Your Love Means Everything by Coldplay

14. Hello by Schuyler Fisk

15. Where Is Your Heart by Kelly Clarkson

So that wraps up another eclectic mix of music.

I'm going to go and sleep my worries away now.

Happy Saturday the 20th of March, 2010. It just turned morning.

The Eighteenth: Fragility

Reading over my last blog about change, makes me really angry. It seems like I thought I knew everything about something. Clearly, I don't.

Yesterday, one of my best friends Matt and I drove to a dog beach to take his dog for a walk. In the 45 odd minutes that we'd left his car, it was broken into and mine and his wallets were stolen. From there, my credit card was used for purchases exceeding over $500. Aren't humans lovely? At 7.20pm that evening, I had a netball game. At the end of the 1st quarter, the shooter I was defending brought her elbow down hard on my forehead, almost concussing me. I sat off for the 2nd quarter and was ready for the 3rd. I came back on as Wing Attack and no sooner had the whistle sounded that I jumped for the ball, came down awkwardly, and hyper-extended my knee. Yelping with pain and tears coming out in torrents, I was driven to the hospital by my friend Kerry, where I was met by my parents some time later. The GP referred me to an orthopedic surgeon, but the main thing that she mentioned was that I wouldn't be travelling anywhere anytime soon.

This next Saturday the 27th, I was supposed to be flying to Melbourne to work on a comedy show with another best friend of mine, Joel. It was me, and 5 other friends that were flying over, and we were going to flyer on the streets, go to his show every night, then party on 'til morning. As mentioned by the GP, and today confirmed by the surgeon, I cannot fly due to high risk of blood clots, and the fact that it wouldn't be worth the pain and strain on my injury. So there goes two weeks of fun with my friends on the East Coast. On top of this, it was put to the surgeon whether I would be able to fly by May. May of course, being the month that I am travelling to Melbourne for the work experience on Simon Wincer's film set. At this question, the surgeon showed an unsettling expression, and a sound that implied, "don't get your hopes up".

I thought that such news would make me upset, yes, but I have literally just fallen off the face of the Earth with depressing emotions. I've been crying periodically on and off the entire day, and I cannot seem to shake this feeling of total and utter shock and sadness. I understand that next week's Melbourne trip was something I was looking forward to hugely, but it's getting me down far more than expected.

It's confirmed a long running theory of mine though.

For some reason, in my life, nothing can go right for too long. Many people would think that this is a highly negative theory and it's one that I try desperately not to believe in, but it keeps proving itself right.

I'm awaiting the series of events that prove it wrong.

The Seventeenth: Spare Change

Change is inevitable. So why do we bitch and moan when it comes about? That's a bit of a useless statement though, because death is also inevitable, yet I'm fairly sure a lot of people "bitch and moan" about that.

But change is different. It's something that we also want, and deliberately try to bring about. It's a thing that some people embrace, because it can cause very, very good things to happen. Most of the people in my life right now are going through changes. That sounds very puberty-esque, but that's not quite the change I'm referring too. I have a friend who just got signed to a major record label, and she'll be releasing her debut album in August. I've also got a friend who just flew over to Melbourne to perform his premiere comedy show at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Big changes, right? So where does that leave the rest of us? The "not-so-amazingly-and-naturally-talented-in-our-field" people? I don't like to think of it as "I'm not going anywhere", but more just "my change hasn't happened yet". It's not always something you can do yourself. Some changes occur when you least expect them to, and go hand in hand with opportunity and chance. You could meet the person to help you out just by bumping into them randomly at a coffee shop, or meeting them through a friend.

Or you could sit back, carry on with your "average" life and wait.

Ashleigh, it's not that bad.

The Sixteenth: Stubborn

This is about me. Well, mostly about me anyway.

You see world, I want to make films. I love films and I want to be around them for the rest of my life. I happen to have a great deal of contacts in the industry, yet, due to unforeseen circumstances, I've let a lot if these contacts go by the wayside. Now my family are urging me to use the remaining contacts to get back on my feet, but I'm a little slow to the mark. For this reason, my judgement about certain things has changed.

I don't get angry at people who won't accept help, I get angry at the fact that they might be passing up an opportunity that others won't have. I know that in the past, when I've accepted help, it's only lead me to good places. By help I mean work experience, or someone putting in a good word for someone else. It might feel like you're being handed everything, when in fact you're taking a step towards what others can only look at.

Accepting help doesn't mean that you're lowering yourself either. You're not saying "hey I can't get anywhere on my own, I need help". Someone else is saying "you know what, I think you could be really great at what you want to do, so I'm going to hook you up with someone else who can make it happen for you". It's as simple as that. No patronising, no pity. Just support.

To practice what I'm preaching, I've put myself forward to potentially be considered to work on a film set in May, with the help of my sister. Take that, pride.

The Fifteenth: The Dead of the Night

This post is coming to you straight from my white sheeted bed, via an iPhone. As per the title, it may occur to you that it is very late, or that the night is quiet. This is true on both accounts, but the reason for this title is because it shares it's name with the book I am currently reading. It is book two in the John Marsden "Tomorrow Series", considered to be one of the best series for Australian teens. They're making them into films I believe.

Speaking of films, I've been writing again. I had a 6 week hiatus from writing, but suddenly I've had the urge to write again. You see, it all depends where you find solace. I find mine in writing. Others find it in a place, or a relationship, or perhaps music etc. I love my music more than most things, and obviously film is a huge part of me as well, but the fact that I'm writing FOR film makes it easier for me to link my thoughts and passions together.

There are days when I think I know exactly what I want in my life, but I know that this so called fact is a lie. No one knows, really. Sometimes I think I only need one person, but that one person needs more than just me, they just don't know it.

We all need more than we think we do; sometimes we just don't like to ask for help.

The Fourteenth: Motivate

My dog is currently 10 months old and requires a great amount of exercise.

I'm 19 years old and I too require a great amount of exercise. The thing is though, unlike my puppy, I don't have the motivation to just dash outside and run back and forth for half an hour. I wish I did though. I need the motivation to do the exercise to get the body I need to travel to Europe! Mouthful.

It's also rather annoying watching the Winter Olympics right now because I feel like I want to go snowboarding but clearly I can't in the Perth heat.

Hopefully I'll find some motivation soon to get into gear.

You know what's funny? That part in Twilight where Edward Cullen has to bite the pillow during sex. Ha.

The Thirteenth: Skeletons

Today, I began to clean out my closet.

There's a lot of clothes in there, considering it's a walk in robe. But also considering I haven't truly gone through it with heavy scrutiny in a few years. I came across a lot of t-shirts, dresses, skirts and pants that I didn't need or had forgotten about. My fashionista friend Emma Joy came over and swooped up a very large pile that she was determined to cut and change into new clothes, so I'm happy that some of the material will get reused. Fairly sure I'm still a little uncertain about a particular set of clothes that I had to discard. At least 5 pairs of pants and several tops were thrown to the wayside. The significance of these garments is that they were bought for me by someone who is no longer around. They were also bought in London. So on top of the fact that I couldn't walk out and buy another pair whenever I like, I had to say final farewells to a lot of memories that I otherwise would've been content to keep buried close by in my closet. Now, I have hardly anything left to wear in my depleting arsenal of clothes; it's very annoying.

On the other hand though, I feel different.

Perhaps it's closure.

Perhaps it's change.

It almost feels like that lost feeling you get when you see a really good movie where the characters leave you wishing your life was like theirs. I get that a lot.

The Twelfth: Night

At night, you think about things more. I don't know whether it's the dark, or the fact that you're on your own (well some of us are), but everything tends to just culminate into a giant rolling stone of thoughts. In recent times, I think more about things than I should. Overthinking would be the correct term.

A friend told me today though that I "shouldn't keep unnecessary thoughts in my conscious if they don't need to be there". It makes so much sense now that I think about it, but it's easier said than done. I can't stop thinking. Thinking is just so easy, and addictive. And I don't mean just thinking about anything. I'm talking about the kind of thinking that leads you down really philosophical paths of memories and the future. It's scary. How many times have I said a conjugation of the verb 'to think' now? 9 including the one I just mentioned. I wish I could stop. I want to get rid of some of the things in my mind that might not need to be there.

But that's not how this works, is it? Sometimes I wish that I could simply make things go away, or go back to a 'normal' way of dealing with life. Obviously I'm not going to spill my thoughts onto the web, but writing things like this down actually helps. Maybe in the future when I make something of myself, which I will, someone will scroll back through pages of my mindless babble and actually learn or appreciate something from all of these posts.

Alternatively, no one will read them and this blog will get thrust into oblivion.

Either way, I won't stop writing them.

The Eleventh: Curious

I don't understand how the biggest event in my year goes past and I don't write anything about it. Is it because I'm afraid that this could get picked up by someone and it could get leaked? I'm not that important, but the subject matter is. My whole life has been restricted that way. No photos, no stories, no nothing. Just the thought. But that's not what counts.

The Tenth: Disease

I like multiple meanings in titles. It happens often with films, right?

I write "Disease" for this post because that it was is spreading through my family right now. It's a nasty virus that my dad, brother-in-law, and two nieces both have. I'm basically just waiting for it to strike me next. But another "disease" to which I am referring, is that of my own thoughts. There are thoughts that are so intent on consuming the rest of the reasoning that resides in my mind, that I start to wonder where all of the other ones are. I strongly dislike having a lack of levity in my day-to-day life. That is to say, I appreciate the inappropriate lack of seriousness that normally infiltrates my thoughts. These days, it seems that I can only think of bad outcomes to good events. I also have a tendency to instantly think of the worst case scenario. I swear I must've written that on here before. I feel like a broken record sometimes. You hear that non-existent following of readers! A BROKEN RECORD!

Those are my thoughts.

I could go on, but the plague of thoughts that are sauntering through my mind currently on related topics are too great to type.

I realise that I've written all of that in a semi-formal way. I find it bizarre that the 'writer' in me tends to do that subconsciously. Just another thought.